5 Reasons Why Kim and Kanye are a Match Made in Heaven

“So Ye finally went “full-retard?” Good for him.”

This was my first thought as I listened to “Theraflu,” a new Kanye track that somehow manages to vacillate between “this sh*t bangs” and “this is the single worst rap song I’ve ever heard” every time I listen to it. With lines like “Flyer than the parakeet” and the fact that 12.5% of the song’s bars awkwardly end with “I embarrass you,” Ye seems to be working so damn hard at being lazy that, like Baxter eating a full wheel of cheese, it’s actually kind of impressive.

I’m not here today to continue to deconstruct “Theraflu,” though. Instead, my focus is on the alleged “new” relationship Kanye alludes to in the song’s second verse.

“And I'll admit, I fell in love with Kim”

Now, if the rumor mill is true, the Kim in question is Kim Kardashian, a woman I affectionately call “The Reason Why The World Hates America” (or “TRWTWHA” for short). Judging from the dozens of blogs, tweets, and emo status messages I’ve read in the past week, this relationship seems to be a surprise to many. Here’s why it shouldn’t be.

1. Their absurdly peculiar personalities suggest that they were pre-destined to be together.

While all celebrities are somewhat peculiar (you have to be a bit off-kilter to even want to be one), they’re the only celebrities I can’t imagine doing anything not specifically related to “being a celebrity.” I mean, can you imagine Kanye ordering a pizza? Or Kim, I don’t know, flushing a toilet?

You could probably say the same thing about someone like Bono or Lady Gaga or Madonna, but what makes Kanye and Kim different is the fact that it feels as if each assumes that the universe’s sole purpose is to build their brands. Basically, while I have trouble imagining Madonna flushing a toilet because it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around uber celebrities doing mundane tasks, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West don’t flush toilets (or take sh*ts) because there is no brand growth or sponsorship potential in the flushing of toilets (or the removal of waste from your body).

Basically, Kanye and Kim are probably both very, very constipated.

2. The arrangement fulfills Kanye’s dark fantasies about “fat booty Celine Dions.”

The most quotable line in Kanye's first major club hit as a solo artist was “…and when he gets on, he’ll leave your a*s for a white girl.” Since then, he’s become increasingly brazen about his infatuation with “Pretty Women Who Just Don’t Happen To Be African American” (or “PWWJDHTBAAs” for short), culminating in “Christian Dior Demin Flow” --- a 2010 track where he devotes his entire verse to awkwardly name-dropping as many supermodels as he possibly could in a 16 bar span.

Yet, unlike the dozens of other high-status Black males who choose to eschew Black women once they’ve “made it,” I don’t think Kanye feels that non-Black women are “better” than sistas. Instead, it seems like he is aware that certain types of women are status symbols, and his obsession with supermodels is him “proving” to the world that he has enough celebrity status to bag these women. His perception of his self-worth is irrevocably tied to whether he can pull the types of women he “should” be able to pull. He doesn’t desire Kim, his “fat booty Celine Dion,” because Kim isn’t Black. He desires Kim because Kim is desired. It just so happens that Kim is desired because she possesses some “Black” physical traits without actually being Black. I just gave myself a nosebleed.

3. The arrangement also fulfills Kim’s fantasy to be a pseudosexual cultural cipher of hyperfamous anti-matter

It’s either that or she just really, really likes Black dudes with money. I’m not sure which one.

4. They make all the sense in the world

Perhaps the most ridiculous comment I’ve heard from people surprised at 'Kimye' is that Kanye is somehow too “evolved” to be with a person like Kim Kardashian, a logical fallacy for three reasons:

A) It assumes that “talented musician” = “deep thinker”

While he may very well be a musical genius, nothing Kanye has ever publicly said or done suggests that an actual conversation with him would be anything but an exercise in brand name Tourette’s.

“Hey, want to get some ---red bottoms, red bottoms, red bottoms, red bottoms --- lunch? Rolls Royce. We can eat it on my suicide doors. Birkin Bag. Chicken wings. I put helicopter propellers on my sauna yesterday. Call me Sweaty Fly. French fries and coke. Lawry’s.”

I’m sure Kim can keep up with that.

B) It assumes that Kim is completely vapid

While this may very well be true, it does take something (i.e.: shrewdness, luck, a curse, threats of extortion, a vial of goat blood, etc) to make yourself a multi-millionaire celebrity despite having no discernible skill.

C) It assumes that