#FAIL:<br />
How NOT to Win Facebook Friends and Influence Twitter Followers

Social media is a way of life now. If you really wanna get places, you need to master the art of attracting followers, friends and fans. After extensively studying the black blogosphere, I’ve learned there are several quick and easy ways to take your notability to the next level. Give these nine outrageously commonplace ideas a try and you might have sponsors (two meanings here) tomorrow.

1. Trash the Lives of Celebrities and Non-Celebrities Alike

If you want to take your Facebook likes to the next level or see your Twitter followers join you for the sermon at the hashtag, watch every award show, every trashy television series, every TMZ update and then immediately GO IN on whatever celebrity presents a chance for a joke. Pay special attention to their waistlines and hairlines, as well as their weaves, outfits and speech patterns. Follow their tweets daily. Did you know there’s a police squad for that? Looking for some low hanging fruit? Find Tyrese.

2. Take Off Your Shirt and Make ‘Em Bounce 

Men and women alike, if you want to soar to internet fame, take off your shirt…well, if what you think beneath won’t make people queasy. But if you’re as confident as you claim to be, this shouldn’t matter. Fellas, do 50-100 push-ups before sending out any Twitpics or Instagrams. For penis pics, please hashtag appropriately with something like #sodacan, #remotecontrol, or #vienna. Ladies, make sure you use a dime-sized amount of oil for each mound. Follow this simple tip and you will develop a loyal following…until you put your clothes back on and ruin fantasies.

3. Find the closest bathroom mirror and make art happen

Not a fan of baring it all for internet television? You can still win with your clothes on too. Whenever you pass a bathroom, stop, strike a pose, shoot, send. The more bathrooms you take pictures in, the more well-traveled you appear to be. Followers and friends like people that are well-traveled.

4. Be as flagrant as possible in the name of a good laugh

In addition to being well-traveled, people also like folks that living according to YOLO. Whatever is on your mind, say it. Whatever you just did in the bedroom, share it. As a matter a fact, evaluate it. Don’t use asterisks when swearing. That’s not keeping it real. I’m avoiding asterisks in this article because I don’t want my internet credibility threatened. The more it appears you’re living life on your own terms, the more people will aspire to have your life. That’s what social media is all about: laughter, envy, and direct message dates.

5. Before 9 a.m. talk about Jesus. After 9 p.m., talk about sex.

Once the sun is up, you should talk about Jesus, wish everybody a great day, share a few scriptures and attach a few exclamation points or smiley faces. Be passionate about life. When the sun goes down, take off your conservative white pant suit and put on your lingerie. It’s time for Twitter After Dark. Be passionate about sex.

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