how to ask for more sex

Don't stop till you get enough...

There comes a time in the span of any relationship where a change in the sex department occurs, and it can awkward to discuss. One partner may have an insatiable libido while the other’s seems non-existent, yet both are aware there’s been a shift in appetite. Neither side ever wants to admit there’s something wrong, for fear of hurting the other’s feelings. Men converse with their homies about how they aren’t “getting it in” like they used to, while women may sit and gossip with girlfriends about needing a “battery operated bf” just to feel satisfied between sessions.  

No matter which side feels the falling-off in sexual activity, communicating about the awareness of imbalance needs to happen. Some may think it’s as simple as saying “hey, [insert partner’s name here], I want us to have more sex.” But when the reasons why sex is lacking in the first place are varied, approaching the issue isn’t so straight and narrow. 

If you’re at this impasse within your relationship, then it’s time to talk, discover the issues and work out a plan to have more sex. Here are some gender-specific instructions on how to ask your partner for more sex.

Ladies First

So the sex was once great, but now you consider it a holiday if you even get to see a pillow imprint. His interest in engaging with you sexually seems low, and he waves you off anytime you initiate erotic activity. You’ve gotten to the point where companionship has become stable, but erotic expression is suppressed because of a decrease in your partner’s sex drive. 

Asking for sex could be simple if the underlining issue why the sex is lacking turns out to be straightforward. Before approaching your partner with the request, you first must consider a few factors that might have an effect on his libido. A change in diet, health issues, increased responsibilities at work, weight gain, inadequate amounts of sleep, performance anxiety or a loss of physical attraction towards you can all be reasons why your partner’s libido has gone through the floor. 

Before bringing up the topic of increasing sexual activity, you must first pinpoint exactly where this dip in sexual desire derives from and solve that issue in order to have a healthy springboard to launch into your new, improved sex life. 

In order to get to the root of the problem, take time to sit down and talk about these things. Find out what his stress levels are from work, and if he’s been sleeping and eating well. If you notice without asking, lend a helping hand to help him relax when he gets home. Cook a good meal and give him a massage. Do what you need to do in order to keep his energy high and stress levels low.

Sometime subtle hints don’t work. If you want to have more sex with your partner, you may have to initiate the activity, and you will definitely have to carve out specific times during the week to do so.

If he has health issues that may be causing a dip in his sex drive, make sure he’s treating these issues properly and maintaining a healthy lifestyle to maintain a balance in his hormones. Help stimulate his senses by dressing a little sexier than normal around the house. Leave small notes in his workbag expressing your desire for all the sexy things you want to do to him when he arrives home, and make your desires known. 

Sometime subtle hints don’t work. If you want to have more sex with your partner, you may have to initiate the activity, and you will definitely have to carve out specific times during the week to do so. Take care of the initial issues, communicate what you want, and plan to dedicate hours within the week for erotic play and intimacy.

For the Fellas

So your partner no longer is that fiery freak in the bedroom you fell in love with at the beginning of your relationship. She no longer dresses in those sexy little things you love; she nags you constantly about what you’re not doing around the house; and at the very mention of sex, she gives you the look of death, like you have just asked her to walk on coals. Oral sex is out of the question if it’s not a holiday or that one day she feels you deserve “a treat,” and her drive just seems to have lost its spark. 

Women are influenced by a different set of factors than men, and their libido can be affected by weight gain, lowered self-esteem/self-image, PMS, hormonal imbalance, health issues, fatigue, lack of attention and performance anxiety. Just like a woman has to take into consideration the underlining causes of you losing your mojo, you’ll have to do the same for your partner. 

It can be a blow to the male ego when a woman doesn’t have the desire to have sex, and often times it feels like a rejection of the man himself. But don’t look at the situation as a total rejection of your love and affection. 

Your partner needs to feel safe, desired and aroused to the point of wanting to engage in sexual activity, so make sure you do what’s necessary to place her in that feeling. Buy her something sexy to wear during a planned erotic night. Give her a massage after a hard day of work. Plan a romantic getaway for just the two of you. Do whatever you need to do to make her feel comfortable. And if you don’t know, communicate with your partner about what she needs to feel that spark of sexual desire.  

Once the issues are pinpointed and you begin to change the things hindering the chemistry, then you can speak about how to incorporate more sex into your weekly schedules. If you want to have more sex, then erotic time needs to be made a priority just like exercise or meditation. The only way sex will ever become greater is through dedicated practice. Believe it or not, having more sex actually nourishes the desire to have more sex, so plan out more times where both you and your partner agree to get it on!

Glamazon Tyomi is a freelance writer, model and sex educator with a deeply rooted passion for spreading the message of sex positivity and encouraging the masses to embrace their sexuality. Her website, www.glamerotica101.com, reaches internationally as a source for advice and information for the sexually active/curious. Follow her on Twitter at @glamazontyomi.