african american couple conflict

Love Don’t Live Here Anymore

Just because you're in a relationship, it doesn't mean your in love. Here's how to tell the difference

by Shantell E. Jamison, August 11, 2017

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african american couple conflict

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“Sometimes we have to let go of what is killing us, even if it’s killing us to let go.” – Unknown

It’s hard to accept that the one who you planned to love forever is no longer the one that you will love forever. No one wants to feel like a failure, and when it comes to matters of the heart, it is very easy to. In order to let go, some folks have to feel like they’ve given their all, even if their partner refuses to do so and often, the one who went above and beyond is left piecing together the memoirs of a broken heart.

But life is more than short and we have examples in the form of death, pain, destruction, age and most importantly, authentic love to remind us of such a reality. For those of you who know your relationship is over, free yourself. For those who may still be unsure, read on.

1) Everything is a competition. 

What started out as building a future together is now a rivalry. You no longer feel supported in your endeavors and your mate is far from being your biggest fan. Whenever your significant other places their ego above your happiness, love has taken not just a backseat, but has exited the vehicle. When you truly love someone, you acknowledge their need for recognition. The last thing you do is attempt to steal the shine.

2) “In love” is foreign in your relationship. 

What is being in love? That’s what you’ve been asking yourself repeatedly as of late. Yes, love evolves and changes over time in a relationship, but being in love? That’s an ingredient to your concoction that makes your relationship tastes good. If it’s missing, throw the whole spread away.

3) You no longer hold each other at night. 

The saying, “never go to bed angry” exist for a reason, and while you will have a fight or several, never allow your emotions to dictate how you treat your mate. Harboring negative feelings can enhance resentment towards your mate and widen the gap of intimacy. When you truly love someone, the last thing you want to do is allow anger to manifest within your being. If you are able to count the times that you feel like you’re sleeping next to your roommate vs. your lover, then love may not live here anymore. True love prioritizes intimacy and connections on all levels despite being annoyed.

4) There’s no urgency to make up. 

There’s a difference between taking space to cool off and process following an argument and just having a “f*ck it” type of attitude. When you truly love someone, there’s a sense of urgency and humility that is present when seeking to reconcile. Anger is pushed to the side and understanding your mate’s feelings become a priority.

Love isn’t easy. There will be ups and downs and many times, you may feel like you need to walk away. If you do, that’s okay. It doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you someone who knows that both you and your former mate deserve a partner who you have an authentic, pure connection with that allows you to vibrate higher. Your mate should enhance your existence, not deplete or drain it.

Shantell E. Jamison is a senior editor for EBONY. She moderates various events centered on love, relationships, politics and wellness and has appeared on panels throughout the country. Her book, “Drive Yourself in the Right Direction” is available now. Keep up with Shantell via her website, Facebook, Twitter @Shantell_em and Instagram @Shantell_em.

 
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