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The 5 Reasons Why My Relationship Works With My Drug-Addicted Boyfriend
1. He loves me.
2. He is romantic.
3. He is supportive.
4. He is caring.
5. He loves his daughter.
I am a 40-year-old African-American woman, and I have been dating an African-American man who’s a little older for the past three years. I don’t have any kids, and he has shared custody of an 8-year-daughter. We all live together in New York City.
I have been in four serious relationships. The first was my college sweetheart, for 10 years. We lived together for the first eight years, struggled together and shared everything. I believed in him, so I paid most of the bills while he pursued his dreams of a music career. During that time, I had an abortion and postponed my dreams of marriage. For him. Then he got a record deal. I was ecstatic for both of us … and it was my turn to be supported. Then came the hoes. Then he lost his mind and tried to treat me like one of those hoes. Boyfriend No. 2 was a rebound. I really didn’t like him, but it took me three years to figure that out. I was used to being in a relationship and didn’t know how to be single. He loved me. And I would have been settling because he didn’t make me happy.
After that, it was the single life for about three years. There are multiple reasons why I had sex with men without a commitment: anger, boredom, confusion, curiosity, depression, horniness, lies, loneliness, obligation—and more lies.
Boyfriend No. 3 was a young guy I decided to give a chance. He was so persistent and so humble. Somehow, we moved in together. Well, I do know how—the sex was amazing! He adored me, but he wasn’t ready and I wasn’t waiting. It was fun while it lasted.
And now, Boyfriend No. 4 is a social cocaine addict.
He uses only every other week (the weeks that we don’t have his daughter), purchasing and snorting about $50 of cocaine. He does it only with his friends at private events. He hid it from me for a year, but over the past two years I have watched him and his friends use and have since found out that on occasion, some of my friends participate in the snorting of cocaine. They don’t consider themselves drug abusers or addicts. To me and anybody else with sense, they are.
He is a Wall Street banker and Ivy League educated. The cocaine is just to take the edge off. He is the kindest, gentlest and most understanding man I have been in a relationship with and has connected with me in a way I’ve never experienced. He loves me and he tells me that. I don’t have to ask, I don’t have to say it first. I moved in with him because he asked me to. He pays for everything.
We travel; he plans amazing vacations to every corner of the earth. I never have to look for him. His phone battery doesn’t die randomly. He comes home to me every day… except for the days he is “partying” with friends. Technically, he comes home the next day. But otherwise, I have never dated a man more supportive. We have had days and weeks where we have talked only about my dreams and my goals. Then about nine months ago, he gave me $50,000 to start my business, no strings attached.
Every man I have ever dated had a major flaw—cheater, broke, abusive, etc. The flaws of those men hurt me; the flaws of this man do not. He is basically perfect except that he does cocaine. Why should I leave happiness to go and be cheated on or abused again? I love him. I wish I didn’t, but I do. Am I willing to put up with his addiction for forever? No, but for now, I am fine, I am coping. Would I marry a drug addict? I don’t think so, and I’m not really concerned about marriage anymore. Do I want to have kids? Yes. Having that abortion is a decision I regret every day. My 8-year-old would have been able to play with his 8-year-old today. Does that make me a bad person? Or him?
As told to me by one of my clients during a coaching session. I made her promise me three things: She will never try cocaine; she will maintain an emergency fund and an exit strategy; and she will check in with me at least quarterly.
Are you in a strange or unique relationship that works for you? Call the “Divorce Is Not An Option Podcast” and leave us a voicemail telling us how and why, in less than two minutes, at (469) 294-3795. Also, please be sure to look for the “Divorce Is Not An Option Podcast” on Ebony.com.
Tamara Derouselle is a wife and bonus mom of two boys. She is a proud member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc., makeup artist, aspiring real estate mogul, all-around side hustler, and for the past 10 years, she has been a ghostwriter and editor for some of the hottest literary works of art available in the relationship space. You can currently find Tamara creating content and co-hosting one of the podcast universe’s fastest-growing podcasts,”Divorce Is Not An Option.”
Steven James Dixon is a husband, father, relationship expert and author of two books: Men Don’t Heal, We Ho – A Book About the Emotional Instability of Men,”and 2018’s hottest book release, Love Capacity. Steven has been featured as a relationship coach on television: CNN, WGN, Arise TV (London), Flash TV (South Africa), CBS News, Fox News, UPN and the CW. He has also been featured on radio: Tom Joyner, Michael Baisden, Rickey Smiley, Doug Banks, HOT 97 (New York), KJLH (LA), WGCI (Chicago), V103 (Atlanta), 97.9 (Houston), K104 (Dallas) and many others.