Rebuilding After an Affair

Crisis is an opportunity to lay a stronger foundation As Told to Denene Millner

by Denene Millner, March 14, 2014


Five months pregnant, *Aaliya  discovered *Raul’s affair. The news hit their nine-year marriage like a bulldozer, leaving a rubble of rage, resentment, disbelief and doubt. Could they rebuild? I believe that infidelity touches up to 80 percent of long-term relationships. Many assume an affair causes a couple’s problems. Actually, it signals that pre-existing breaks and fissures destabilized a loving bond. If infidelity impacts you and your partner, knowing how a counselor can help you through it could save your marriage.
When You’re the Injured Party
The phase: anger and disbelief
>Crying and yelling is common: Red-eyed and/or at the top of your lungs, you may ask your partner, “How could you do this?” A scorned mate may throw out the cheater’s belongings or bar him or her from seeing the kids.
>Picking up the pieces: You have a right to be angry. But blaming, shaming or seeking revenge only prolongs your pain. Know this: An affair usually signals the loss of connection, not the loss of love.
>Blueprint for better love: Breathe. Reflect on how you first became close. I ask the straying partner to share the couple’s love story. Hearing what (s)he values in their union helps a hurting spouse heal.

Read the remainder of this article in the April 2014 issue of EBONY Magazine.

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