Sh*t Love Experts Say to Black Women

It’s been over a month since “Sh*t Girls Say” --- a satirical web series featuring a man in drag parroting, well, sh*t girls often say --- first hit the Internet.  Since then, the series has spawned numerous imitators; some pitch perfect (“Sh*t White Girls Say…To Black Girls”), some mis-titled (“Sh*t Black Girls Say” probably should have been called “Sh*t Black Girls With Neck Tattoos Say” instead), and some just missed the comedy memo all together (“Sh*t Asian Girls Say”).

But while “Sh*t Girls Say” is thought of as being the first series in this vein, there’s another ongoing webisode that predates it; one that’s just as episodic, equally hilarious, and also somehow manages to not die despite sharing a latent sense of “This theme just can’t have any more legs, right? Right?” (Note: No, I don’t think it’s ironic at all that this article was written by the same person who produced a video titled “Sh*t Bougie Black Girls Say.” Thanks for asking, though.)

Since you can’t find any clips from my super-original and not-influenced-by-anyone “Sh*t Love Experts Keep Saying To Black Women” anywhere on YouTube, I’ve decided to just list a few highlights from its script here today.  

“Date a White guy.”

Equipped with many variations --- including, but not limited to “Play in the snow,” “Try Something New,” “Be Down With The Swirl,” and “Feed The Pink Dragon” --- the funniest part of the recurrent suggestion that all Black women’s dating woes would be solved if they just gave Connor White Guy a chance is the hint of self-congratulatory “Viola!” it’s usually said with.

It’s as if everyone who’s ever suggested that Black women consider interracial dating thinks they’ve unearthed some hidden treasure chest of unorthodox relationship insights, and they’re the only Earthling equipped with this knowledge. Sometimes they dig deeper, get a little cockier, and somehow gather the nerve to suggest “Wait…not only can you date a White guy, you can get with a Hispanic or an Oriental too.”

It’s the 21st century. Be more open to approaching men.”

Ah yes. You can’t have an episode of “Sh*t Relationship Experts Keep Saying To Black Women” without this quote in there somewhere to show exactly how progressive and forward-thinking the producers of the show are. Basically, it’s suggesting that Black women would better their luck if they weren’t as old-fashioned.

And, to be perfectly honest, it is actually good advice…if you’re advising women how to be permanent f*ck buddies.

“Date like a White girl.”

Rough translation: “Flirt. Go on dates. Date multiple men. And, if you want to, sleep around. Have some fun.” Because ALL White girls do that. Every single one of them. There was a big “Flirting, Dating and Sleeping Around” study a few years ago that confirmed it.

“Stop chasing unavailable men.”

Rough translation: “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Forget about what I just said! Don’t have too much fun! Don’t, I repeat, do not sleep with any man who hasn’t given you three references, his SSN, last three addresses, ACT score, and the names of each of the last seven women he friended on Facebook.”

“Try to be more active.”

While Black women are consistently chided for being the gym-adverse gender --- a quick Google search for “Black women don’t go to the gym” just now provided 157,000 results --- if you walked through a random hood shopping mall today you’d probably see an equal number of dangerously out-of-shape brothers and sisters.

Point? Everybody is wrong about everything, all of the time.

“Be more realistic.”

Also equipped with many variations --- including, but not limited to “Lower your standards,” “Give a blue collar brother a chance” and “So what if he’s currently on year three of a 10-25 year bid? He’s still a good man” --- I’ve been trying to decide if this meme started before or after the pit of tragic ubiquity called “Tyler Perry” began to permeate Black culture. It probably doesn’t --- women have always been urged to allow men to “grow” on them --- but since I enjoy blaming everything on Tyler Perry (Just today, I’ve blamed him for last summer’s stink bug invasion, the aftertaste that comes with diet soda, and the clap) I think I’ll let him take the fall for this too.

Damon Young is the co-founder of the award-winning site Very Smart Brothas and co-author of Your Degrees Won't Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime."  Follow him on Twitter: @verysmartbros