[COLUMN] The Lovers Rocque:<br />
Stop Cyberstalking Your Exes

Have you ever checked up on an ex online and just made yourself feel worse?

Memo From Captain Obvious: People who constantly keep up with their exes via social media reduce their chances of recovering from heartbreak.

According to Yahoo News, researchers in Great Britain recruited several hundred volunteers of different ages, who were questioned about their intimate relationships and their Facebook use and found that up to 30% of the people queried said they follow their exes.

Yahoo sites that the research results were surprising for two reasons. One is because up to a third of people who use Facebook keep tabs on their exes with the site. The second is that doing so seems to keep some flame alive that prevents the kind of closure necessary for moving on once a relationship has ended.  

We all know that the aforementioned findings are true, but how many of us don’t do what’s necessary in order to take care of ourselves?  I was inspired to post that information by my own past actions, as well as those of friends who have a hard time moving on due to social media. One of the most popular questions that married couples get is, “How did you know that he/she was the one?” One of the signs is simple: when you know who it wasn’t.  

Here are three reasons you need to stop cyberstalking your ex right now:

1. It’s Over For a Reason

Whatever the reason is varies from person to person but we know for sure that it may not have been the right time, it may not have been the right people or all of the above. Either way, make a clean break and keep pushing forward. Don’t worry about what they’re doing or how they might be feeling. It’s natural to be curious and to still have feelings of confusion or to miss the person from when things were good but your wellbeing is dependent upon the steps you are willing to take in order to transition into the new phase of your life and step one is, don’t try to keep in touch right away. Chances are, if you got back with your ex shortly after breaking up, they’re still going to be the same person they were and you will have the same problems, so take a breather and sort out the issues within yourself that need to be sorted out.

2.  The Next Chapter Will be Better, But Only if You Allow it

You can’t move forward if you’re dwelling in the past. It may seem like the life you had with your ex, when things were good, is the life that you want but it’s not. Keep yourself busy doing things that enrich your life and make you happy, so that your focus doesn’t drift toward what your ex may or may not be doing, and make peace with the fact that you may not get answers that you want. Some people actually do end up back with exes but that’s after they’ve had a significant amount of time apart and had the chance to work on flaws or issues that may have contributed to the relationship falling apart. People who end up meeting their next love interest begin to feel a world away from their pasts and become grateful for their growth, but only if they’re open to the good that will come. Either way, take a breather and let life happen organically.

3. It’s Just Silly

So what if @TwitterXWhatever left comments on an ex’s picture! So what if they made public plans to hang out with someone! It’s none of your concern when you’re single. Deal with it by not looking for what you aren’t ready to handle, and stop reporting every move to your friends in order to get their speculations and opinions about what may or may not be happening, which is only going to upset you more. You look crazy and you’re keeping yourself stuck.

That’s my two cents on cyber-lurking exes. What’s yours? Have you ever checked up on an ex online and just made yourself feel worse?


Mr. and Mrs. Rocque are the couple formerly known as Anslem Samuel and Starrene Rhett, New York-based journalists who found love in between bylines. Follow the newlyweds’ musings of a marriage in progress here, on Twitter and via their joint blog.