[TALK LIKE SEX] Why Fake the Big âOâ?
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and I realized the women took it personally.” Regarding women’s expectations, he says, “I’m not sure if they expected it. I just assumed that they did. I was too embarrassed to talk about it. I was just really nervous. I could never really fully get into it, and I wasn’t confident in my abilities.” Some men are just tired, and while they want to please their partners, they just don’t have it in them to keep going until they reach a climax.

Though the explanations vary, they all boil down to not wanting to hurt a partner’s feelings. We’ve allowed erotica and porn to heavily influence our perceptions about what should happen during sex, and we feel obligated to perform accordingly. The truth is, sex can be extremely pleasurable without either partner achieving orgasm. It isn’t always about placing blame on the other person not being good enough; sometimes, people just can’t.

As long as communication remains open between the partners and there’s willingness to explore as many sexy options as possible, orgasms shouldn’t be the primary focus. Enjoy each other naturally and let orgasms happen organically rather than relying on pretense. In most cases, the means more than make up for the possible lack of an explosive end.

Feminista Jones is a sex-positive Black feminist, social worker and blogger from New York City. She writes about gender, race, politics, mental health and sexuality at FeministaJones.com. Follow her on Twitter at @FeministaJones.