5 Hilariously Sad Calls for Anti-Obama "Revolution"

Angry conservatives unite!

White people are doing more than just mourning Mitt Romney’s loss to President Obama. Some, like those in my home state of Texas, are mad as hell and trying to make moves – stupid ones that are largely being done in vain, but moves all the same. Yes, close to 75,000 people (and growing) have signed a petition for Texas to peacefully secede from the United States of America. Not surprisingly, it’s not just (in)visible hood-wearing Texans going into hysteria and calling for “revolution” in the wake of Obama’s reelection and a noticeable shift in progressivism among the electorate.

Here at the top five obviously bigoted and terrible misguided calls for revolution led by the fringe of the right wing.

Point and laugh at your own discretion.

1. Give Us Free: Joining disgruntled Texans in the push for successions are upwards of 8,000 lunatics in the neighboring state of Louisiana. Crawfish Nation probably won’t ever be a real thing, but maybe some of the residents of other 13 states with similar petition efforts including New York, Kentucky, Colorado, and New Jersey will fair better?

2. Trump Talks of Anarchy: Media genital wart Donald Trump didn’t take newfound BFF Mitt Romney’s loss well. The sanity-challenged tweeted on the night of the election: “He lost the popular vote by a lot and won the election. We should have a revolution in this country! The phony Electoral College made a laughing stock out of our nation. The loser one!”

Trump ultimately deleted the tweets---probably because someone informed him that this talk constitutes a treason charge. And then it was announced that President Obama DID win the popular vote. Womp. 

3. Holy Roller Revolt: Hate monger with a (disingenuous) smile, Tony Perkins, is obviously not ecstatic over the passage of pro marriage equality initiatives in Maryland, Washington, and Maine. Much of the country would look at that as a sign of progress, but some people are more into distortions of age-old allegory than others.

In a recent interview, the gays-be-gone goon warned about the potential for a Supreme Court to rule in favor of same sex marriage in light of the cultural shift by declaring: “When you look at a nation that is so divided along these moral and cultural issues, that you could have — you know I hate to use the word — but I mean a revolt, a revolution. I mean, I think you could see Americans saying, “You know what, enough of this.” And I think it could explode and just break this nation apart.”

Or wedding planners, florists, caterers, DJs, dressmakers and tuxedo makers will have the best decade ever.

4. Cranky Catholics: Tony Perkins may wait for the Supreme Court to make gay marriage a bigger issue nationwide and the people to “revolt” in response, but the Vatican is less patient. The church has vowed to fight progress in which they feel seeks to “erase” the virtues of heterosexual marriage and “its specific and privileged legal recognition compared to other forms of union."

Vatican chief spokesman Father Federico Lombardi added on Vatican Radio: "If not, why not contemplate also freely chosen polygamy and of course, not to discriminate, polyandry?"

Morality tips from men in dresses with a known history of protecting pedophiles and sitting on the wrong side of history on various prejudices throughout time. Super. To be fair, most American Catholics are in support of marriage equality – even more than Evangelicals. Amen.

5. Time For The New: Although not necessarily bigoted, Herman Cain has offered political advice on par with much of what you heard from him throughout the GOP presidential primary: “I never thought that I would say this, and this is the first time publicly that I’ve said it: We need a third party to save this country. Not Ron Paul and the Ron Paulites. No. We need a legitimate third party to challenge the current system that we have, because I don’t believe that the Republican Party … has the ability to rebrand itself.”

On second thought, that might not be such a bad idea. In fact, if you register all the aforementioned, maybe the Republicans who are left might be able to win over a larger share of the saner sect of the electorate.

Michael Arceneaux is a Houston-bred, Howard-educated writer and blogger. You can read more of his work on his site, The Cynical Ones. Follow him on Twitter: @youngsinick