Obama-Induced Hysteria

President Barack Obama

Last week, a report was released saying that U.S. unemployment rate fell to 7.8 percent last month, dropping below 8 percent for the first time in nearly four years. The Labor Department also said that employers added 114,000 jobs in September, and that the economy created 86,000 more jobs in July and August than first estimated.

For Americans who happen to be sane, this is undoubtedly good news. Our economy has been on the ropes for a few years now, and this report is a sign that it may finally be starting to fight its way back. Again, if you're American and you're sane, this should have been good news.

For the insane, though, this news was not good news at all. It was awful news. Terrible news. The type of news that makes someone lose their appetite and punch an iPad when reading about it during breakfast.

In fact, the news was so bad they convinced themselves the news didn't actually exist. 

From former General Electric CEO Jack Welch, via Twitter:

“Unbelievable jobs numbers ... these Chicago guys will do anything … can't debate so change number.”

Now, do I actually believe that Jack Welch --- the man who Alec Baldwin's "Jack Donaghy" on NBC's "30 Rock" is loosely based --- is insane? Nah. (Well, not really.) I do believe, though, that he is just one of the tens of thousands suffering from a prolonged case of Obama-induced hysteria --- an especially potent form of Obama Derangement Syndrome (the "disease" that causes you to automatically doubt and instantly recoil from any and everything Obama-related, regardless of how positive and/or innocent the news may be)

Obama caught and killed Bin Laden? Show me the receipt!

Obama plays basketball to keep in shape? Of course he would. He's too elitist for flag football.

Obama got his girls a new dog? They're a Muslim family, so they only bought the dog so they could eat it.

What makes Obama-induced hysteria even more potent is that it causes people to openly sabotage themselves --- a brain infection that could make a man insane enough to publicly jeopardize his fortune and freedom, as billionaire Westgate CEO David Seigel proved when he threatened to fire thousands of his employees if they vote for Obama, a statement that somehow managed to be equal parts stupid and stupider.

And, as Slate.com's Richard L. Hasen recently pointed out, we've become so adept at detecting this illness that we can now predict new symptoms before they even occur!

All of these conspiracy theories—like the earlier birther controversies—indicate that if we are unlucky enough to have a very close election in November in which President Obama ekes out a victory, we can expect Republicans to question the election results, too. We’ll have the Fraudulent Fraud Squad telling us that Democrats used voter fraud to steal the election. Hucksters like John Fund will point to “bizarre” anomalies in vote totals from Democratic areas and tout new conspiracy theories. Social media will likely fan the flames.

Now, the root cause of all of this likely has to do with the afflicted's feelings about this one particular characteristic that the president happens to possess. Since I don't enjoy playing the race card, I'll just say that the word for this feeling starts with "R" and rhymes with "macism." Even more than that, though, this sickness seems to be caused by a latent sense of loss. These infected people feel like they're slowly but surely "losing their country," and Obama's existence --- "proof"' of this loss --- causes them to lose their minds. It's a pity, really.

Unfortunately (for them) there is no cure. Even if President Obama loses the election, the things that trigger this disease will continue to permeate the atmosphere and they will continue to feel that sense of loss. Whether it's induced by Obama or not, this hysteria and the insanity that comes with it is here to stay, and all we can do is sit back, watch while they turn into full-blown zombies, and wait for them to die off.