As Republicans continue to pick out the remnants of dirt left in their teeth due to their feet being lodged into their mouths for much of 2012, those with at least a splash of a sensibility are acknowledging the obvious: their tone has alienated several voting blocs.
Does that mean they want to make a change that’ll feel real good, make a difference and make it right? The answer to that question depends on whether you believe the sincerity of House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, who said last week on MSNBC’s Morning Joe: “I think we learned a lot of lessons from the last election. I don’t think we’ve completed the sentence, which is what we’re trying to do is to help people. We’re trying to do it to help the moms and dads that are having a difficult time right now.”
And on Meet The Press, Cantor claimed: “My purpose in saying this is we have conservative principles that actually can work for their life again. And that’s what we’re going to be about promoting.”
Thing is, most of their principles at present day only serve you well so long as you’re White, male, and heterosexual. What about the rest of us? How can conservatism help us and what’s the best way to communicate that in a more ear-pleasing tone?
How does one gently tell women they still want to regulate their reproductive rights? What’s the sweet way to explain voter disenfranchisement to Black voters? Can you say to gays “Y’all got cooties” in a softer way?
Eric Cantor and the rest of the goof troop in the GOP have their work cut out for them in trying to convincingly show off the softer side of prejudice, but fret not, y’all, I have a few suggestions:
On abortion: “We’re so sorry that we called you all baby-killing whores destined for the lowest circle of hell for having an active vagina. We just really love babies is all.”
On rape: “It was ignorant of us to suggest that Jesus had anything to do with allowing your rape to happen. Obviously, it was all Satan’s fault.”
On voter disenfranchisement: “It’s not that you can’t vote, you guys. It’s just that we think it’s best we don’t allow you to participate until you’re ready to vote Republican because that’s what is best for you. Seriously, we’re looking out for you guys. Trust us when we say most of us don’t hate you. Like, Marco Rubio listens to 2Pac – word to your mother…and Al Sharpton.”
It’s not that you can’t vote, you guys. It’s just that we think it’s best we don’t allow you to participate until you’re ready to vote Republican because that’s what is best for you.
On immigration: “We love Tex-Mex and Sophia Vergara, which clearly illustrates that Mexicans aren’t so bad to us. We’re only trying to make sure you are positively certain that you don’t want to be a permanent resident of Mexico anymore. Rampant poverty, corruption and drug wars aside, Cancun is so nice! Who would leave that behind for Oklahoma City?”
On gay rights: “In our defense, God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. But you know what? Maybe we were out of line for suggesting Adam and Steve being a couple is like Mowgli and Baloo shacking up. We’ll get back to you on this.”
On the repeal of Obamacare: “All we meant was your mom has been your main healthcare provider all these years and now you want to up and fire her? The government shouldn’t require you to do anything when there’s plenty of chicken noodle soup, Robitussin, and prayer readily available in supply.”
On taxes: “You’re going to see our point of view once you hit that lotto, upload your sex tape, sign with Roc Nation.”
On FOX News: “Okay, so Fox News Chief Roger Ailes is a little delusional with sprinkles of old kooky racist, especially when he claims: ‘The president likes to divide people into groups. He’s too busy getting the middle class to hate rich people, blacks to hate whites. He is busy trying to get everybody to hate each other.’ Just remember that he doesn’t speak for us anymore, that Shepard Smith does. He’s just like Anderson Cooper, if you catch my drift.”
Yeah, have fun trying to repackage ugly in cute wrapping, guys!