[THE WEEKLY READ]<br />
Dear Celebrity Sexters

On Sunday, a young woman posted a link to an image she uploaded to Instagram with the following caption: “Guess which verified account I'm giving the business to tonight?” The image has since been removed, but it doesn’t matter. There will be another person to pull the same stunt with similar intentions faster than you can say "but Karrine Steffans got a book deal!"

I don’t have a problem with a person wanting to hookup with a celebrity. I have a list of stars who can get the business and a signed nondisclosure agreement right before (or after). If you want to play the role of Jesus Clause and wrap some of those men up for the kid, I’ll be happy to provide their names. I swear that I have been awfully good in 2013.

It’s not so much the bedding of the stars I find problematic. Desire is natural and fine is fine no matter how famous the packaging it comes in. Yet, there’s a special kind of desperation and delusion in trying to seek attention for yourself over having sex with a public figure.

This poor unfortunate soul fixed her fingers to type: “Guess which verified account I’m giving the business to tonight?” And to her, this is bragging. Like, in her mind she’s stunting on her Twitter timeline because she let the owner of a blue check on a screen inside of her.

You can’t see my eyes, but know they are presently doing the choreography to Beyoncé’s “Get Me Bodied” just thinking about her mindset. Now snap in a circle three times and start praying to your God or shooting star that one day she snaps into reality with the rest of us.

First of all, sis and all those like you, that’s a very low barometer to base your self-worth on. Secondly, the fact that you’re telling the world this and then playing a virtual game of “Guess the rapper based on his light skin and the ass hanging out of his sagging pants” shows you’ll probably not be asked back. I know discretion is increasingly becoming passé among the masses, but if you’re angling to get a come up by way of a celebrity’s (ahem), you’re going about this wrong. As a gay, I’m almost certain I can guess that behind, but I’m too classy to say whom I think it belongs to.

See that? Now that rapper may DM me ‘cause I know when to shut up.

To be fair to that misguided rapper’s delight, she’s not completely off base in thinking that she can become famous adjacent for simply being with a star. Kim Kardashain is the Patron Saint of Being Famous For No Damn Reason, plus there are others such as Karrueche Tran and Draya Michele who have benefitted from Chris Brown’s career in recent years often more than he has. And ugh, there’s the legacy of Karrine Steffans who started a whole subgenre of literary themed around sexing the stars.

However, let’s be clear. Kim Kardashian was already a wealthy, well-connected socialite with a development deal in place before the sex tape with Brandy’s brother went viral. Karreuche Tran may be getting some change for appearing in clubs as “Chris Brown’s Karreuche Tran,” but that kind of fame notoriety is fleeting. Plus, for every Draya Michelle, there’s a bunch of other women who end up as nothing more than filler posts on a gossip blog.

As for Steffans: She’s now the literary equivalent of the old man and woman in the club. Doing the same old two-step, looking painfully out of sync with the rest of the crowd that has since moved on.

Oh, yeah, there was also Kat Stacks. I forgot all about her. Didn’t she make a song or something? It doesn’t matter. She could be doing jumping jacks outside of the White House naked and her 15 seconds of infamy remain up.

Is that the kind of life you want? If that is, good luck to you in your pursuit of three seconds of semi-relevance on social media. But if anything, that trend is on a decline. There are so many like you nowadays, and it doesn’t make you special let alone famous – no matter how many retweets you get.

Aim higher.

Michael Arceneaux is the author of the “The Weekly Read,” where tough love is served with just a touch of shade. Tweet him at @youngsinick.