[THE WEEKLY READ]<br />
Dear Doobie Snatchers

Rihanna at the American Music Awards

Dear White Girls of the World:

I see that y’all have been formally introduced to the Doobie thanks to Rihanna’s latest stunt to show the world how little damns she has to give. While some of you made a genuine effort to ask a Black to explain Rihanna’s wrapped hair, other White women decided to be mighty White about it and just make it up in their own image. Seriously, white people, a “faux pixie crop?” We Black gays (and the reality stars we inspire) have a saying for that: You tried it.

Speaking of things to try, do not attempt to pull off what Rihanna did on Sunday.

Already, I’ve seen posts like those on The Cut wondering whether or not the mainstream will try to make fetch happen with this non hairstyle hairstyle. Kathleen Hou asks, “Will Rihanna's doobie become the beauty equivalent of the twerk?”

There’s also been public gushing about Rihanna’s hair and what it “represents.”

Speaking with the New York Daily News, stylist Ted Gibson (a Black) just gushed about Rih-Rih’s hair: “But Rihanna is all about breaking the rules! She took something that most women would never wear outside of their home and made it fashionable and chic! It’s as if she said 'I’m Rihanna, I’m getting the ICON award, and I can do whatever I want!' Taylor Swift won a lot of awards last night, but we’re not talking about her the next day. We’re talking about Rihanna, and that’s what makes her an icon.”

Taylor Swift won more awards, though, and she’ll probably be getting the award next year plus some sort of “I sell more records than Jesus’ nephew” honor after that. And she did her hair so…

Meanwhile, Felicia Benson, of the ThisThatBeauty.com, echoed Gibson’s sentiment: ”I think she did it to highlight a point of difference. She’s always pushing it and [Sunday] night was no difference. To me, it seemed like, I’ll wear a doobie. And I’ll throw on some bedazzled hairpins.”

I could fill up my Toyota Camry named Cameka with these quotes. I can already picture Miley Cyrus texting Mike Will Made It, asking him to ask one of his cousins for some bobby pins. Then there will be a bobby pin shortage, plus a tumblr and corny jokes about the hairstyle. Next various think pieces will spread across the Web like an old school syphilis outbreak.

And we know what will come eventually:

 

 

 

Don’t make me use the pages of Paris Vogue as toilet paper. Stop this before it spreads.

 

 

 

Listen to this woman. Listen to me.

Y’all don’t have to pin your hair up like Black and Latino girls who don’t want to sweat out their presses before they get to their destination to show how little you care about the world. Remember: Y’all are white which means you don’t have to care about as much as the rest of us anyway.

Besides, Rihanna managed to look “fashionable and chic” without doing her hair because she has a team of people who are paid to make sure when she says “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the most sickening star of them all?” it’s always her. Do you?

No tea, no shade, White people, but y’all already ruined twerking. I mean, there’s Kendra Wilkinson and then there’s Miley Cyrus and the rest of y’all. Everything ain’t for everybody – this includes locs, by the way, but that’s a read for another week.

Bottom line: Y’all have already taken enough from Blacks this year. Don’t do the Doobie in 2014, do your hair.

Michael Arceneaux is the author of the “The Weekly Read,” where tough love is served with just a touch of shade. Tweet him at @youngsinick.