[THE WEEKLY READ] Dear Terrible People Who Make Tragedies Worse

Dear Terrible People Who Make Tragedies Worse:

This week, a horrific and appallingly cowardly attack was launched against helpless Americans at the Boston Marathon. While I join those with decency and at least a teaspoon of home training in championing those who displayed honorable acts of kindness, selflessness, and solidarity in the wake of tragedy, I’ve got to touch on you poor, unfortunate souls who just couldn’t help yourselves in throwing salt on an obvious open wound. For the sake of clarity, I’m going to divide up the guilty parties in categories.

I. When Something Horrible Happens To Other People, Don’t Make It About You and Your Cause

Conservative Washington Post blogger Jennifer Rubin used the Boston Marathon bombing to take a shot at her colleagues when she tweeted that she wasn’t going to write about the matter given, “It is a local crime story for now.” As Salon noted, the irresponsibly snarky comment was referencing the Kermit Gosnell story and Washington Post health policy reporter Sarah Kliff, who tweeted the week prior that she wouldn’t write about the case because “I cover policy for the Washington Post, not local crime.”

As for as I’m concerned, Rubin and that bitchy tweet can roll right on down the river and stay down stream until she’s ready to act like she’s got some damn sense. Based on her writing, that’ll probably take a good while. My heart aches already.

Equally awful offenders include Sen. Mitch McConnell, who just couldn’t help himself yesterday when he said on the Senate floor, “I think it’s safe to say that, for many, the complacency that prevailed prior to September 11th has returned.” Good lord, Mitch has the sensitivity levels of the Maleficent. Unlike you, though, I’m respectful of alternative lifestyles. Regardless, now is not the time to be pushing the slashing of civil liberties for the sake of “security.”

Not to be outdone, Sean Hannity, who said, “I don’t want to be political” about the Boston attack and yet proceeded to be just that when he used it as an opportunity to speak against gun control legislation. Moreover, why in the hell did he air a segment about the attacks that gave teases of an action flick starring The Rock?

If you behaved in similar fashion, congratulations, you’re a horrible human being and you need fixing.

II. The Blame Game

I realize that in the world of 24-hour news cycles, social media, and DVR, our patience levels are at historical lows. Nevertheless, unless you work for the FBI, save your theories about who you believe to be responsible for the bombing. I don’t have anything against Clue, but I just feel like you should wait a little while before you play it in situations like these. That means you my fellow Mike—Michael Moore, you could’ve at least waited 36 hours before insinuating who you think may have been involved

I don’t have anything against Clue, but I just feel like you should wait a little while before you play it in situations like these.

The same goes for you folks who immediately jumped into “THOSE MUSLIMS DID IT!”

I feel sorry for the poor roommate of the Saudi Arabian man who was only questioned by authorities about the bombings after a pestering producer for the Faux News Channel approached him. Visibly annoyed and exasperated, he put his hands over his face and told the producer, “Let me go to school, dude.” I don’t encourage vandalism, but a jihad against homeboy’s camera would not have spurred a single tear to fall from my eye socket.

I’m not about to play the Shaggy to you folks’ Scooby, but need I remind you that in 1995 you all tried to pin the Oklahoma City bombings on Muslims and we see how that turned out.

As for your conspiracy theorists: Cute for you that you think the Boston Marathon bombing was created by the government trying to install a fascist police state led by Rihanna and Ciara, but cool it now, you’ve already lost control.

III. The Cons, The Cranky Kooks, and Jackasses

If you’re using the murder and life altering injuries of innocent people to raise money to pay your rent or cover the cost of Beats by Dre, let me remind you that if there is a hell, you’re going to be sleeping inside the pizza oven located in the seventh circle --- the one with the broken window unit. Suffer slow, suckers.

Moving on, while scanning Earth’s bowels – otherwise known as Facebook – I saw memes detailing the loss of life in Boston and a sign of [insert faux-deep message here]. However, it’d be like a picture of Fallujah or some Tutsi refugees. Want to show everyone you care? Upload a screenshot of your donation to some local Boston charity. And you can always pray…in silence.

Oh yeah, meanies of social media: Look here, yes, people are stupid, but instead of telling them they are the dumbest of