[THE WEEKLY READ]<br />
The âHighly Favoredâ Mayoral Candidate<br />

Anna Pierre

Dear Anna Pierre:

Before I bind you in the name of all that is sane and just, let’s start off with some niceties, shall we? You know, that would be the Christian thing to do—and you’re all about God’s begotten son, right? I heard that before you become a nurse turned North Miami mayoral candidate, you were a Creole-language pop star in the 1990s. So I googled you and let me just say that your song “Mete Suk Sou Bonbon” is perfect body-rolling music. I hope you don’t mind my saying this, but gon’, girl. Give Rihanna some tips on how to carry her career on over to the other side of the mountain.

Wait...I'm guessing that “put some sugar in/on the candy" isn't a Haitian hymn.  Well, no judgment here. Go, getcha getcha getcha getcha getcha freak on. 

Now that the pleasantries are done, let me just say that you sound like A NATURAL FOOL claiming that Jesus the Christ has endorsed you for mayor. 

(Yes, y'all. This woman's campaign poster says "Anna Pierre, RN is endorsed by Jesus Christ." Because, she asked him? And because being an RN has something to do with being a mayor?) 

When asked about this you claimed, "It's a spiritual endorsement. Why? Because everything I do I always get God involved.”

Can you go to hell for overreaching? In your case, I surely hope not. I mean, I would like to think God is always with me, too, but that doesn’t mean he agrees that I ought to be in the running to be America’s Next Top Model.

Meanwhile, you also claimed that you received three signs from Jesus that he endorsed you. However, when asked why by Local 10’s Janine Stanhood you said, “Well, I’m going to keep them private.”

Why? You might as well tell us what Jesus' said if y'all are besties like that. Tell us how you broke loaves of bread and fried snapper and won his support. C'mon nah, don't get coy.

I don’t particularly like when politicians try to act as if some higher power is working to make sure they achieve political office. President George W. Bush used to act as if he had Jesus’ on his BlackBerry Messenger list, and well, you see how that turned out. I’m pretty sure if there is a heaven, Saint Peter is going to have to hold Jesus back from smacking a trick. Even so, not even he was dense enough to stick a picture of Whitest Jesus on a campaign poster trying to con the masses by citing a co-sign.

And apparently, you said that unknown persons left chicken feathers, food scraps and candles at your office doorstep over the past three months—a sign that someone is trying to put some voodoo on you.

“Ah say ento pi alpha mabi upendi” or something, I guess.

Look, I don’t know if someone is trying to have you wake up with a eyeball in the back of your calf muscle in revenge for the butt whooping they got as a child for innocently singing your nasty song, but I do know none of this ought to matter either way. The same can be said of Jesus “endorsing” you. God bless the believer, but please believe we’ve still got a separation of church and state going around these parts.

To your credit, you did note: "What I say to those people who don't believe in Jesus? I'm going to tell them that, whether or not you believe in Jesus or not, once I am elected mayor, I'm going to be the mayor for everybody.”

Nonetheless, I don’t think Jesus left you a voicemail (I assume he’s old school) saying, “RUN! ANNA! RUN!” and from the sound of it, you’re more equipped to going back to being the Caribbean Millie Jackson than you are mayor of any American city.

God bless.

Michael Arceneaux is the author of the “The Weekly Read,” where on the surface the shade might make the culprit want to curse, but trust, it comes from a place of concern. Tweet him at @youngsinick.