[THE WEEKLY READ]<br />
To the Week's Worst People

Mama Joyce

This has been quite the week for old, bossy and/or out of touch people who like to meddle in other people’s affairs and police their choices.

I’d like to kick it off with Mama Joyce, who refuses to give her daughter, Kandi Burrus, and her fiancé, Todd Tucker, the support they deserve. I try to respect my elders, but Mama Joyce, there’s really no respectful way to say you come across an aging captain of the Cockblocker Cheerleader’s squad who ought to be ashamed of herself for actively trying to make your daughter miserable on national TV. The same goes for your sisters who help make up that gang of Grannies Without (Respect For) Borders.

That said, Our Lady of the Burgundy Weave, you’ve got to stop allowing your mama to stunt and front you (ha), straight up run you (ha). I do get it, though. We Blacks are especially careful not to disrespect our mamas. I respect that, but after a certain point, you can’t let your mama (or anyone for that matter) yield so much control over your life, your thoughts, and your feelings. There’s letting your mama cook when she’s overbearing and there’s letting her burnt you to a crisp with her unsolicited commentary.

You are not being disrespectful for standing up for yourself and the relationships you want to keep in your life. Maybe Mama Joyce will order you to cut a switch after you correct her about butting out of your affairs, but remember, you’re younger and faster: run, woman, run.

Now on to the white people who won’t let the Blacks believe in a Santa Clause who once upon a time, might’ve used a Duke kit.

 

 

I’ve tried my best to avoid the great Santa Claus race debate because it’s dumb as hell and I don’t want to encourage supposed news channels to continue doing as little reporting and discussion of actual news as possible. Still, the smug way in which Megyn Kelly delivered her declaration was “mighty White,"as the old folks say, and I just couldn't take it.

Let her tell it: "For all you kids watching at home, Santa just is White. But this person is maybe just arguing that we should also have a Black Santa. But, you know, Santa is what he is, and just so you know, we're just debating this because someone wrote about it, kidst. Jesus was a White man too...I mean, he was an historical figure, that was a verifiable fact, as is Santa...I just want the kids watching to know that."

Jesus was a Mediterranean man with hair of wool that wouldn’t work with Megyn’s comb, and Santa, oh, who gives a damn, shut up already.

As for her brother in the fake struggle, Bill O’Reilly, he said that Santa is White but went on to say, "Does that matter? No, that doesn't matter. The 'Spirit Of Santa' transcends all racial boundaries." Yeah, but you didn’t correct her about Jesus and Lord knows your most biting commentary fits a certain racial binary.

He dismissed all of this has a means to “demonize Fox News." Megyn Kelly takes a personal essay to argue an arbitrary point before a huge national audience, thus creating a debate that her wits won’t allow her to win fairly, but it’s everyone else’s fault.

Funny, O’Reilly is the one who said the “war on Christmas” is part of the “secular progressives’” desire for “unfettered abortion” and gay marriage. But, but, but: Isn’t it always White conservatives starting beef over the holiday and how it should be molded in their image, even if that image isn’t shared by the majority?

I can’t wait to get married inside of an abortion clinic on Christmas Eve with some mistletoe tied around my crotch and a t-shirt with a Santa Claus made in the image of Big Worm from Friday.

And speaking of job titles that the masses don’t think go to Black people, I’m going to send out a special prayer for whichever Black woman is chosen to join the cast of SNL in 2014. It’s a great opportunity, but it comes on the heels of Kenan Thompson saying something stupid and Lorne Michaels co-signing it. You will have the weight of the world on your shoulders and most people won’t realize you’ll be spoon-fed lines from a mostly White writing staff (FTR: I’m available).

May the spirits of mulatto Jesus and quadroon Santa Clause be with you. The rest of the aforementioned can hop on a sled and slide on down to better senses. Bye, ashies. 

Michael Arceneaux is the author of the “The Weekly Read,” where tough love is served with just a touch of shade. Tweet him at @youngsinick.