Has anyone noticed how white tears have flowed ever so abundantly lately? Between people getting upset we were celebrating the Blackness of Luke Cage, athletes kneeling during the national anthem, or Zendaya nabbing the role of Mary Jane in the next Spider-Man film, wherever Black Excellence goes, a flash flood of White Tears swiftly follows.
From trying to hijack hashtags like #BlackLivesMatter with #AllLivesMatter to sitting in their parents’ houses blaming students of color because their mediocre grades didn’t get them into college, some people don’t even take a minute to breathe between sobs.
Are they trying to drown us?
Lots of folks have wondered exactly what white tears are good for. I see many people with coffee mugs and water bottles labeled “white tears.” I like the joke, but I’m not convinced that they’re fit for consumption. After all, the high levels of salt content might kill us. So I’ve come up with a few alternative uses for white tears:
#1 Hoaxing cultural appropriation offenders
Black girls with natural hair can sell packaged white tears as a secret hair serum to white people who try to wear Black hair styles as fashion statements. Since they consistently ignore comments on appropriation, we might as well start making money off of Marc Jacobs, the Kardashians, and all of the others who refuse to see their wrong doing. Oh, and let’s charge the Urban Outfitters price for them, too.
#2 Saving our voices
I lost my voice at one of the Black Lives Matter protests in my city. Chanting and shouting for hours is rough on the throat, especially when the weather isn’t on our side. Protestors can gargle with white tears to soothe throat pain. Maybe we should hand out steamed white tears to demonstrators during the fall and winter months.
#3 White House meal prep
Do they serve soul food in the White House? Or does the President not trust anyone but Mrs. Robinson to make his favorite dishes? Let’s send a bucket of white tears to whoever is washing the greens.
#4 Carpet revival from shock-induced messes
Did anyone else spit out their juice when laughing out loud during an episode Atlanta? Did you knock over your glass of wine during a Scandal or How to Get Away with Murder plot twist? White tears will get those spills right out of your carpet or shirt.
#5 Pandering payback
Next time Trump makes an appearance at a Black church, swap out the Holy Water out for white tears and don’t tell anybody. Add a bit more salt to the tears for shock-effect. When Donald Trump goes up to the front of the church to give whatever speech Omarosa prepared for him, someone should get up and throw “holy water” on him. Just make sure you aim for the eyes and get it on camera.
#6 Highlighting the inappropriate use of the word “thug”
Demonstrators protesting police brutality around the country can offer gallons of white tears to police officers and firefighters who have to leave peaceful protests to put out fires and clean up the streets after rowdy fans riot after their favorite football team loses.
#7 Soothing post-game aches and pains
Wherever an athlete is kneeling during a national anthem, there are white tears — probably enough to fill enough hundreds of jacuzzis. Athletes across the country who kneel during “The Star-Spangled Banner” can soak their bodies in a nice hot bath of white tears to soothe any aches after their sporting events.
As long as people across the nation and around the world keep speaking out against racism in our society, as long as Black women and girls around the country continue serving #BlackGirlMagic, and as long as Black people keep on celebrating our excellence (and you we will), white tears will perpetually flow.
The jury is still out on whether or not drinking these tears make us impervious to something — my guess is that they keep us from turning into “New Blacks” like Stacey Dash who don’t believe racism exists anymore. But I’m just spit balling here. Further analysis should be done, just in case they cause harmful side effects.
In the meantime, why not make lemonade out of these salty lemons? Someone needs to start bottling these tears for mass distribution. I mean, they’re so easy to come by.
Upcoming Black business venture, anyone?