african american woman putting on pants

Last weekend I was reminiscing with my bestie Juju over pictures from college. We laughed at our ridiculous hairstyles, our crazy campus memories and our annoying ex boyfriends. At one point, she couldn't stop swooning over her amazing skin she had "back then" (seriously, she is 25). But while she was wishing she had her old skin back, I couldn't let go of the fact that I used to wear pretty much anything I wanted.

I started asking myself: what happened to my style? Yeah, I’m more of a "beauty girl," as in I live for makeup, but I used to wear really fun, sexy outfits. Since when did I stop shopping the vintage and thrift stores for unique pieces (like that Amish, navy blue dress I adored, that fit perfectly around the hips and booty…did I throw that away?) Why am I not wearing short, hot pink flirty dresses like I used to? And where have my favorite Guess ripped jeans gone?!

Then it hit me: since college, I've gained about 30 pounds. I can’t fit half of that ‘ish anymore. Sigh.

I woke up this morning feeling really vain for thinking so much about this. My work everyday is dedicated to reminding women about the power of their inner beauty. But a big part of me--the main part of me--just  wants to lose the weight just so I can wear all of the cool stuff I used to.

It's weird, because I've always been the girl who felt confident. But recently, I've missed feeling stylish. And a part of that comes from the sense that I won’t look as good in trendy pieces like I used to when I was smaller.

I know what all my positive girls would say: you can look good at any size and it’s all about how you carry yourself! This of course, has some truth to it, but unfortunately, it’s not my truth. When you know the size that you feel your best in, you just know. I'm a solid 10/12 up from a 6/8. I still like my shape. Still love all the booty. But I'm pretty much over the extra weight, the weight that makes what I used to adore on the old me, look like, well, too much.

So judge if you may, but I've decided that in addition to getting back in shape because, well, that's what people who want to be fit and healthy do, I'm also losing the post-graduation 30 for fashion.

I'll be damned if I never see myself in these ripped jeans again.