Dear B. Scott:
I truly value your advice and would greatly appreciate if you could help me with my situation.
I'm struggling with my current relationship for many reasons but the main one being that he is married. I never thought I would find myself dating a married man, but I am. We first met on a dating website. He wrote me first expressing interest. We met up a few weeks later and instantly clicked. He was funny, sweet, respectful and cute. On our second date, we had sex, and immediately after he asked me to be his girlfriend.
I declined, and he asked me several more times after that. I wasn't quite ready for commitment after just getting out of a four year relationship.
Eventually, I finally gave in and said yes to being his girlfriend. The next day I decide to look him up on Facebook and found out he was married, and had only been married for four months. I confronted him about it and he ignored me and finally responded two days later. We talked and he told me she had cheated on him first, and he was looking into getting a divorce. I instantly doubted this but I had no other proof until two weeks later I asked to go through his phone. After discovering he was still talking to his wife, and several other women, I decided to break it off. This resulted in a huge argument that landed us both in jail. We didn't speak for a month after the incident, but during this time I was extremely depressed over what took place and got the courage to call him up and apologize. I only called with intentions of apologizing, not to rekindle any type of romantic relationship because I thought he no longer wanted anything to do with me after getting him arrested. He not only accepts my apology, but tells me he is in love with me.
We meet up to talk and he tells me the real reason he is cheating on his wife. The marriage has grown mundane and his wife no longer makes him happy. They argue all the time and he says he's falling out of love with her because she has made a change for the worse. He says he has addressed these issues with her, and she refuses to change. After hearing the whole story, I feel bad for her and I suggested he work on things with his wife. I have suggested this numerous times and I try to walk away but each time he begs me to stay, even crying at times. Each time I'm convinced to stay, and then I start to feel bad and the cycle starts over again. He says he wants to leave her, but leaving her will financially hurt him. They have no kids together, or anything like that, he just has major school debt. He suggests I wait until he pays off his debts then he will leave her and marry me. I suggested that I date other men and if and when the time comes, if I'm still single, we can try again. He doesn't want that for he thinks I will fall in love with someone else. Should I wait or stay? Please help.
Dear Love Muffin:
I have never given as direct advice as I’m about to give.
And that advice is, you should leave — and don’t look back.
From the beginning to the end of this email, much like your relationship, has been all sorts of wrong. And if you’re being truly honest with yourself, you have to know that as well.
Regardless of whatever dance you’ve been doing — you love him, he loves you, you have sex, you break up, you go to jail — it doesn’t take away from the indisputable fact that he’s married.
It doesn’t matter the reason why he’s cheating. Nor does it matter that he’s ‘falling out of love’ with his wife.
Not only is he married, but from what you’re telling me he has some serious emotional issues that he needs to work on.
It’s incredibly selfish of a married man to ask you to wait around while he figures his own life out.
Leave this man alone, and I think it would be a good idea for you to talk this through with a therapist…because this whole bunch of foolishness you’ve been dealing with has affected you in more ways than you probably recognize.
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