On the surface I seem like a good guy. I come from a good working class family, went to college, and I have a solid career. I coach the neighborhood little league team, go to church on Sunday and I even volunteer from time to time. My life is good…or I should say my lives are good.
Let me explain.
It all started with my high school sweetheart Sarah. After 4 years together and “living in sin” as our parents called it, we decided it was time to get married. Sarah is the perfect wife and mom, everything a husband can ask for, but for a long time she was also the only woman I had ever been with. At such a young age, the family life started to make me feel trapped. Sarah was no longer the young and fun girl I fell in love with; she was now a woman, a wife and a mom. No matter how I tried to add a little spice into our lives, it was clear that ‘mundane’ was as spicy and fun as it would ever get.
A few years into our marriage, I started seeking out ways to have fun on my own. On a business trip, I decided to try skydiving and that’s where I met Nicole. She was there with friends and as soon as she looked at me with those bright eyes…I was hooked. She was funny, lively and vivacious, all the things my wife used to be before we got married and had kids. It all started innocently, just sharing photos of our skydives, and a few joke emails. Then on one business trip back to her town we met up for lunch and after that we progressed to calls and text messages. I started looking forward to hearing her voice and missing the smell of her perfume. On one visit the attraction was too strong and after nearly a year, we crossed the line into a physical relationship.
I never told Nicole I was married and when I was with her I totally forgot about the life I had at home. We started making plans to be together on a more permanent basis and before you knew it, we bought a condo together and I was “moving” to her neck of the woods. Both women knew I was a business traveler so neither questioned me having to be gone for long periods of time and on holidays I always found some way to be with both women since we didn’t live far apart.
Eventually I married Nicole, in a different state from where my original wife and I are legally wed. I took care of the paperwork, needless to say. We had twin girls and a son together. and now I am the father of four, including the son I have with my first wife.
Sarah and I bought a new home and had a lavish vow renewal ceremony. I stood in front of God and all our loved ones pledging to love her for life—again—knowing that I hadn’t held true to my vows the first time. I was a fraud. A liar and a cheat. But I’m still not ready to give it up. Something about each woman feeds a part of me that would be left empty if I had to choose between them. It’s selfish, but I can’t let them go, I don’t want to feel empty and I don’t want to be alone.
My double life has been going on now for close to 10 years and the pressure to keep up with my lies is starting to wear heavy on me mentally and physically. Some days I pray for Sarah and Nicole to catch me and force me to make the decision that I clearly am too much of a coward to make, but the thought of losing either one of them is just too much to bear. Part of me can’t help but to revel in amazement at how long I’ve been able to live this life without either woman finding out. Perhaps they have been ignoring the truth just as I have. In the end when this secret is revealed (as all secrets are), I just hope everyone, especially my children, will be able to forgive me.
This story was originally posted March 2013 by Danielle Pointdjour