This Brooklyn love story started nearly 20 years ago.
How does one define the Black family? Some may argue there is a template to follow in creating the ideal dynamic, but for others it's about defining the village on their own terms. Brooklyn natives and social media sensations, Devale and Khadeen Ellis, fit into the former. Over the last six plus years, we've all watched The Ellises grow from Instagram family influencers to now being household names across television, and soon the book world.
But, for the couple, their story of defining their Black family started over 20 years ago.
"On our first date, Khadeen asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I told her I wanted to be an actor and have my own TV show. She asked me, 'okay, so how are we going to do that?' She was the first person in my life that didn't laugh or tell me I was bugging" shares Devale Ellis. "It just made me feel like someone believed in my dream."
As the roles started to come in, Devale noticed a common theme. He was typically only booked to play criminals or convicts, and it was so frequent, that his oldest son Jackson even began to notice. It was that pivotal moment that led the Tyler Perry's Zatima star to shift the trajectory of the types of characters he was portraying.
"I was tired of waiting for people to put me in their shows, so I decided to create my own show called The Ellises," shares Devale. "It was a social sitcom, and it was to show producers that I could not only play other roles, but that people wanted to see the Black family. Now millions of followers, a podcast, TV shows and a book deal later, the rest is history."
Fast-forward to 2023 and Devale and Khadeen now have 4 beautiful sons. Still very active on social media and allowing us to come inside their family and home, we're seeing them address very real issues that come with marriage and raising a family.
"We want our sons to walk truthfully in their existence as Black men, but also be confident in who they are and where they come from. That's important to Devale and I, and I love that we are on the same page about that."- Khadeen Ellis
"Whenever we put content out there, we always make sure our sons are aware of what we are doing. We allow them to tell us whether they want us to post certain things, and we get their consent," shares Khadeen. "We want our sons to walk truthfully in their existence as Black men, but also be confident in who they are and where they come from. That's important to Devale and I, and I love that we are on the same page about that as we raise our sons in this ever-changing world."
For the couple, the Black family is not just a unit of the mom, dad and child. It's the village. From grandparents, aunts and uncles stepping in, it takes everyone around you to raise a family.
"I think about how underserved [Black people] are in the media. Devale and I are not an anomaly. There are plenty of successful two-parent Black households. We are able to help the culture by pushing the movement forward with our display," shares Khadeen. "In the last few years, we've seen a lot more content centered around the Black family unit and celebrating that, and it needs to be celebrated. Black love is revolutionary, and we shouldn't wait on others to celebrate it for us."
With social media being so influential, the duo emphasize that they aren't here to be anyone's couple goals. In their new book We Over Me: The Counterintuitive Approach to Getting everything You Want Out of Your Relationship, they explain that it should never be about emulating what you see in someone else's relationship dynamic, as there is no such thing as a perfect marriage or a blueprint to love.
"In the book, we talk about our life and how we tackled serious issues in our relationship early own. We did so by being of service to one another," Devale explains. "Khadeen and I realized we focus on the other person more than we focus on ourselves, and that's probably why we've been so successful in our relationship."
"Our approach is unique. We met so young, so we had to grow as individuals while also considering the other's feelings," Khadeen chimes in. "That can be difficult, especially spanning over 20-years. This book is also not just for couples, it's also for single people. We both talk about lessons learned that shaped us as individuals. It's kind of like the Black 'Notebook.' It's our love story, and we're hoping people can take life lessons from it, too."
"This idea that a man can't chase his dream, have a beautiful wife, and love his kids is a fallacy. Khadeen and I are doing it, we're doing it with fun while building a legacy, and inspiring others at the same time."- Devale Ellis
Another key factor to the couple's relationship success has been having each other's back as they each seek to chase their own dreams and reach their individual career goals.
"So often, especially for young Black women, they are told they can't have it all. You can't be a good mom, have a career and be a good wife. I've watched my wife continue to chase her career and have our children. I've been very deliberate in making sure she never stopped chasing her dreams. It also serves as a reminder to me, that we can do anything as long as we have each other's back," explains Devale. "The idea that Black women can't be Oprah, Michelle Obama and Beyoncé while having a family is a fallacy. This idea that a man can't chase his dream, have a beautiful wife and love his kids is a fallacy. Khadeen and I are doing it, we're doing it while building a legacy and having fun as well as inspiring others at the same time."
In raising four, young Black boys in today's climate, one must ask, how the Ellises manage to do it so well. According to Khadeen, it's been a learning curve, but they've found that taking an individualized approach to each son has been instrumental in bringing up respectable yet vocal young men.
"We've learned that each of our sons deserves to have a parenting style that's customized to that individual child. It's okay to stray away from things that were core to our parents because things are different now. Our kids are contending with a lot more than we did as children," adds Khadeen. "Devale and I are very purposeful with keeping the lines of communication open and keeping that level of comfort, so that our kids can tell us everything. We encourage dialogue, and want to hear how they feel. That further builds them to be emotionally aware while also being able to advocate for themselves. That's what we're pushing for—to have strong Black men."
