Dear readers, 

In light of the troubling news that Drake and Chris Brown came to blows—or bottles–over Rihanna in a nightclub, I've sat down and reflected upon the matter. Enjoy. 

1. The Increasingly Bizarre Chris Brown (IBCB for short) is becoming a caricature of himself

You know how in every crime/heist movie, there’s always that one skittish and perpetually sweaty guy who no one really wants to talk to, no one ever wants to partner with, no one trusts with a gun? The guy with strange clothes and “unique” hygiene that’s only involved with the crew because…well, no one really knows why he’s involved with the crew, and the only reason his character was even written was to provide an in-house foil to annoy (and potentially sabotage) the rest of the characters?

Well, I’m not going to say that IBCB is becoming that guy, but IBCB is becoming that guy. His continued descent from “boy next door” to “that sweaty, skeevy, rapey guy with the platinum Caesar and the sleeveless jean jacket doing push-ups in a bar bathroom” has been amazing to witness. You can even argue that Britney Spears is the only other celebrity ever to go from “widespread heartthrob” to “person who creeps the hell out of everyone with an IQ over 86” as quickly as he has.

Jokes aside, as much as IBCB has become a living, breathing cautionary tale, I do wonder how “committed” he is to his apparent self-destruction. At his current rate, I do not see a bright (or long) future for IBCB, and this does worry me.

2.  At this point, Rihanna should just change her name to “Uber Badu”

While it’s pretty common knowledge that men who have been “involved” with Erykah Badu tend to do some crazy-ass things afterwards — I thought Dre 3000 represented the pinnacle of the Post-Badu Commitment to Weirdness until I learned that Jay Electronica (Badu’s latest ex) is dating a freakin’ Rothschild — Rihanna seems to make her exes actually crazy.

We all know that IBCB is three and a half sandwiches short of a picnic (and was obviously that way prior to dealing with his famous ex), but Drake’s subtle metamorphosis from “singing-ass Jew rapper” to “guy who has had beef with three separate dudes (Common, Pusha T, and IBCB) in less than six months” while allegedly dealing with Rihanna isn’t something to scoff at either.

Seriously, if either of these dudes ever appears in a courtroom, they should just take a page from Kanye’s “Blame Game” and repeat “Ri-Ri taught me” in a monotone voice whenever the judge asks them any questions.

She is the T-100 to Badu’s Terminator, the iPhone to Badu’s Motorola two-way, the Carol’s Daughter to Badu’s Vaseline. She is the Uber Badu, and she scares and frightens me. I am completely scared of and completely frightened by her.

3.  In the history of “needing more people,” no one has ever needed more people than toughDrake currently does.

Who’d ever thought that we’d miss the days of toughDrake’s angst-ridden laments about porn stars and strippers?

4. 2012 is proving to be the year of the “Light Skinned Black Male Beef”

Between President Obama and Cory Booker, President Obama and Colin Powell, toughDrake and Common, toughDrake and IBCB, and Creflo Dollar* and Jesus, 2012 is shaping up to be the year where light skinned brothers are dead-set on proving that they can actually have beef about things other than sunscreen and texturizer. Perhaps this is the start of the post-racial America we’ve all been waiting for.

*Obviously, I have a very nuanced definition of “light-skinned”