B’bye 2015: 15 Things to Leave Behind

B’bye 2015: 15 Things to Leave Behind

Raven-Symoné, Ben Carson, R. Kelly and Beytheists make Michael Arceneaux’s list of things to leave back in 2015

B’bye 2015: 15 Things to Leave Behind

If I had a magic wand and could bippity-boppity-boo away the following from entering 2016, I would certainly do so. Do you own a magic wand? If so, can you do me a solid and loan me yours, so I can make it do what it do and have them all go *poof*? Pretty please? I’ll be your best friend.

In the meantime, here’s my list. Feel free to add your names below. Or complain, if that’s your thing.



1. Rachel Dolezal

Recently, Vice’s Broadly claimed, “If any woman defined 2015, it’s Rachel Dolezal.” This sentence smells worse than New York City trash on the hottest day of the year after a stray dog took a fresh piss on it. Worse was the follow-up sentence, which included the phrase “biologically Caucasian.” Oh, that’s what we’re calling it now?

That’s exactly why I don’t ever want to hear this woman’s name again. Some people found her scam amusing for their own issues with racial identity, but for the rest of us—specifically the Black women whose lives and experiences she only pretended to mirror—she was annoying as all hell. Leave fake-ass Freddie Brooks in 2015. We actual Black folks have suffered enough.

2. Diamond and Silk

Diamond and Silk are basically “What if Nisi and Mickey from B.A.P.S. endorsed Donald Trump.” To some, it’s been amusing to watch two very loud, ’hood Black aunties stump from Trump. I’m not one of those people. Interestingly enough, when they appeared at a Trump rally, he told them onstage, “I hope you’ve monetized this.” I mean, that’s one of the realest things I’ve ever heard at a political rally, but I’m tired of these two all the same. Good luck. God bless. Go away.

3. Ja Rule, political commentator

Why are we asking Ja Rule about gun control? Why is Ja Rule on cable news networks talking about Hillary Clinton? I can’t tell if I’m hating, it’s seriously just silly, or a combination or both? Whatever the case, I don’t want to see it anymore.

4. Stacey Dash

I want Dionne to go back to making Redbox movies. If she insists on saying stupid things for money on Fox News, she can stay in 1995 for all I care. Good riddance.

5. Raven-Symoné

Here is a sample list of all of the idiotic things Olivia has said on The View:

“I’m not about to hire you if your name is Watermelondrea.”

“The girl was told multiple times to get off the phone. There’s no right, or reason, for him to be doing this type of harm, that’s ridiculous, but at the same time, you gotta follow the rules in school.”

“I’m not an African-American, I’m an American.”

“I don’t like [the idea of having Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill]. I think we need to move a little bit more forward.”

“I am from every continent in Africa, except for one.”

I rest my case.

6. The View

I think most of us can agree that this show has lived past its usage and it’s best to let other panel shows carry on the legacy it can no longer live up to.

7. R. Kelly

Actually, we should have left this alleged pedophilic and alleged urinary-tract-deficiency-having somebody back in the previous decade during his trial, but it’s never too late to tell someone to stay their ass behind.

8. Beytheists

“Beytheists” is the term I use to describe people who dislike Beyoncé. People like this suffer from a personality disorder, and while I’m usually sympathetic to those suffering from mental illness, I just can’t respect those who choose this level of willful ignorance. The world has enough tacky, tasteless people in it. Let’s spare humanity this league of fool in 2016.

9. Sallie Mae and all of her other student loan lender friends

To hell with Sallie Mae, her twin sibling, Navient, and her first, second, and third cousins ruining our lives and bank accounts.

10. Ben Carson

When the neurosurgeon turned conservative mascot Ben Carson decided to run for president, his intent was not to truly be commander-in-chief. No, he wanted to boost his profile, sell books, and potentially land a Fox News contract. Now that Carson has achieved his goal of becoming Herman Cain the sequel and Alan Keyes 3.0, he can take his crazy ass on somewhere. The sooner, the better.

11. Tyga

While Kanye West might’ve thought it was smart of him to “get in early” with Kylie Jenner, the rest of us were disgusted. I could go on and continue to count the ways this dude is wack, but that would be giving him more attention than he deserves. Just go away, dude.

12. Sarah Palin

Why is the village idiot of the 2008 presidential election still passed the mic?

13. New Blacks

This applies to every famous Black person who fixes their mouth to downplay the role racism continues to play in this country. You are a waste of melanin. Unless you can stop by Oz and figure out if the Wiz left an extra set of brains around before hightailing it back to Oklahoma, don’t join us in the New Year.

14. Iggy Azalea

You know, before the comeback campaign really swings into gear in 2016. You know it’s coming.

15. Spike Lee

That’s how much I hated Chi-Raq.

Michael Arceneaux hails from Houston, lives in Harlem, and praises Beyoncé’s name wherever he goes. Follow him @youngsinick.





Comments
 
Stay in the Know
Sign up for the Ebony Newsletter