Who is Victor Cruz?
Victor Cruz is a star wide receiver for the New York Giants.
Wait, he’s a star? Asking because I’m looking at his Wiki page right now, and it says he hasn’t caught more than 80 passes in a season since 2012. Those don’t seem like star-like numbers for a receiver.
He’s a professional athlete in New York City. And, since New Yorkers generally assume the universe revolves around them, athletes who just happen to be on New York City teams aren’t just athletes. They’re “star athletes.”
Ok. Well, why is he in the news today?
Victor Cruz is engaged to a woman named Elaina Watley. And…
Oh, I didn’t even know he was engaged. Congrats to them! How long has it been?
They’ve been engaged for three years?
That’s what Wikipedia says.
Isn’t that a pretty, um, long-ass time to be engaged?
Well, “long-ass time” is relative. For instance, the bowhead whale can live to be 200, so three years is a short-ass time for one of those. That said, if you're a human being, and you’ve been engaged since the first season of Scandal, it’s safe to say that’s a long-ass time.
So anyway, back to my question. Why is he in the news today?
Well, Watley apparently sent a group text message to all of the “side chicks” Cruz apparently has. Because, apparently, since they have so much in common, they should all meet up for bottomless brunch one day to share notes.
Elaina Watley is what Malcolm Gladwell would call a “connector.”
Wow. That’s pretty brazen. How many women were on this group text?
There have been no verified reports, but the rumor is that there were over 200.
200??? Wow. No wonder he’s taking so long to get married. It’s hard enough trying to find appropriate seating for one of your mistresses at a wedding. But 200? 200?? Ain’t no picnic table near the bathroom big enough to fit all of those chicks.
You have jokes, I see.
Also, that explains why he’s been seen in more Chunky Soup commercials than actual NFL games in the last couple years. I imagine it’s difficult to run out patterns and fly routes when your balls are scathed from too much wear.
Yes, I imagine it would be.
Plus, I’m sure he has to feed all these women. And there’s a two cans for four bucks special at Target right now for Chunky Soup. So getting Chunky Soup money isn’t just nice for him. It’s necessary.
You still have jokes.
I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. The jokes practically write themselves. Anyway, do you have any other thoughts on this subject?
Well, before we continue, I have to stress that this is all speculation and no one outside of the Cruz household really knows what’s going on here. That said, from the information received, this seems to be a classic example of LAHHitis.
LAHHitis? What the hell is that?
It’s a social condition where a woman repeatedly dogged out by a romantic partner chooses to…
1. Get angry at the woman/women her man is cheating on her with
2. Arrange to meet and confront these women in public. Preferably a place with multiple glasses of water and wine sitting nearby
…instead of, you know, just breaking up with the guy. It’s called LAHHitis because it happens at least once on literally every episode of Love and Hip-Hop that has ever aired.
Ah, I see. So what’s next for Cruz and Watley?
If these rumors are true, what should be next for them is a decision to end this farce of a relationship. But what will probably happen is some sort of relationship counseling, and a joint public statement on how they’re “working through their issues” and are “committed to stay engaged for three more years.”
Oh, and more Chunky Soup commercials.