Periodically when I write relationship articles, I open them by referencing stories and experiences that either friends or acquaintances have shared with me from their own lives. Because these stories can sometimes feature outlandish and embarrassing behavior, readers often message me wondering how people who barely know me, although presented anonymously in my writing, can even trust me enough to share such wild and intimate details regarding their relationships. Well, the answer to that is easy: I’m curious without being judgmental.
While I crave to understand what someone is going through, I don’t typically have any interest in making a wholesale evaluation of the person’s intrinsic worth based on one or two isolated incidents. I’m completely uninterested in calling someone a hoe or belittling them—most times. But I will admit, there is one situation that has resulted in me openly judging people to their faces—hey, I’m human too—and it occurs when someone attempts to rationalize their “side piece jealousy” to me.
Quick definition: side piece jealousy is the feeling of anger and envy that a person in a relationship gets when the person they’re cheating with decides to start seeing other people while still seeing them.
A few months back, my homegirl told me that she had been smashing a side dude for months, because her man was failing to adequately please her in-and-outside of the bedroom. The “problem” she wanted some assistance with was predicated on the fact that after months of hooking up, her side dude had begun dating other women in search of a long-term, serious relationship. She was incensed at the fact that he was “betraying her” and I was incensed that I was being exposed to her massive levels of raw ignorance.
How in the hell are you gonna cheat on someone you’re supposed to trust, love and be honest with and then get upset because the person you’re betraying your significant other for wants to date other people?
If you’re out here cheating, you have no right to demand monogamous commitment, nor the moral high ground to chastise anyone for seeing more than one person at a time. The side piece isn’t doing anything wrong unless they’re also attempting to have their cake and eat it to.
But what I’ve also discovered through conversations with friends and acquaintances is how the offshoot of side piece jealousy is side piece shame, which is the feeling one gets when they decide to start dating someone else other than the person they’re a side piece to. While old school ideology is based on the, “Your ass deserves what you get too!” sort of logic (which I can’t say I wholly disagree with), there’s another layer that needs to be seriously examined: insecurity.
If you’re experiencing side piece shame, please seek help. It’s an issue that needs a professional consultation, not the offhand words of an untrained writer. I think we should all be able to agree that cheating is a real douche bag move. It’s mentally manipulative, fraught with physical risk and emotionally destructive. But to cheat on your loved one and then catch feelings because the person you’re cheating with is seeing other people, well, that just makes you a terrible person.
Lincoln Anthony Blades blogs daily on his site, ThisIsYourConscious.com. He’s author of the book, “You’re Not A Victim, You’re A Volunteer.” He can be reached on Twitter @lincolnablades and on Facebook at Lincoln Anthony Blades.