When it comes to courting, men are always put into the position of aggressors, and are typically viewed as having control over the dynamic of the relationship. Man meets woman. Man sets in pursuit of the first date. Man sets up the date, chooses the place, picks the woman up at 8:00 and pays for the entire meal. Etc. With all this responsibility being left up to the man, it’s no surprise that this same attitude translates over into the bedroom. 

Man expresses interest in sex through close bodily contact. Man caresses woman. Man takes over in the arousal period. And then, 10 minutes later (15 if you’re lucky), both parties are lying across the bed in what appears to be a satisfied state of ecstasy. Going through this same song and dance, especially when in a committed relationship, sometimes becomes mundane, and cause a lackluster sex life.


By large numbers of email I receive weekly from partners unsatisfied in their sexual relationships, it’s evident that men want women to take control in the bedroom and initiate the sex from time to time, and vice versa. It’s time to switch it up and trade places!

As a woman, taking control in the bedroom can seem like a scary thing. You want to ensure you have the best sexual experience possible, yet you don’t want to come off as a demanding know-it-all turning sex into a list of commands. “Put my leg here!” “Move your body this way!” “Lick my neck that way!” As a woman, it’s mandatory to know what you want sexually, and it’s encouraged that every woman take control of her sexuality to know how she wants to be pleased. But you also don’t want to turn your man into a robot following commands.  

This is where balance and complete awareness of your energy (and the energy of your partner as you perform) has to come into play. There’s one thing you must have before crossing the threshold of the bedroom into an erotic atmosphere, and that is confidence. You’ve got to be confident in your sexual skill, in your ability to feel out your partner’s energy. Self-assurance in your awareness of your body and your arousal buttons in vital; so is the certainty that your partner is a non-judgmental advocate for your sexual satisfaction just as much as much you are. 

When you go into the bedroom, or any comfortable space where you could imagine yourself having sex, don’t wait for your partner to initiate the same old nightly routine. Men love surprises just as much as we do, so spring it on him! Take the lead for once by taking his hand and leading him to the bedroom. When a woman can express what she wants from a man sexually, with no shame in initiating the action, that type of confidence turns a man on in unexplainable ways.

If you know you’d like to have candles lit or wine by the bed, set the atmosphere yourself. Whatever you need to add to the experience to make it comfortable enough for you to perform at your best, don’t wait for your partner to do it for you. Take control! Lay your partner down; give him an erotic massage to relax his body and relax your mind simultaneously. Master the art of the cowgirl position to ensure your sexual pleasure all while he enjoys you pleasuring him. Trading places isn’t about giving up control or taking control; it’s all about sharing the control. Once you’ve initiated the activity, your partner will trade places with you to become the aggressor at times too.

Independent Black women have always been breadwinners and head of households. But when it comes to between the sheets, many still depend on men to lead sexual situations. Don’t forget (or be afraid) to bring that independent confidence into the bedroom. Many women are initiators when it comes to sex, but on average, a lot still hold onto the tradition of a man setting the dates, setting the moods and taking control of sexual circumstances.

Switching roles in the bedroom allows a woman to have sex the way she wants and ensures her pleasure, while giving a man the opportunity to feel needed, wanted and desired. A possible stigma against trading places is that men feel too “feminine” in certain sex positions. That said, there should be communication about what is and isn’t acceptable during sex before getting into any sexual scenario.  

The bedroom (or whatever other space) should be a sacred space where no judgments outside of the sexual experience are allowed. Think of switching roles as leading and supporting actors in a film. The leading actor is the one in the spotlight performing in all of his/her glory, while the supporting actor backs them up to create a memorable performance. It’s the same with sex!

There’s no diminishing of power when playing the submissive role during sex, because it takes just as much work on the part of the less dominate partner for the sex to be amazing. It takes teamwork. Be confident, be bold and dare to be different. Trade places for a night or for a portion of your sexual experience and watch your sex life skyrocket.

Glamazon Tyomi is a freelance writer, model and sex educator with a deeply rooted passion for spreading the message of sex positivity and encouraging the masses to embrace their sexuality. Her website, www.glamerotica101.com, reaches internationally as a source for advice and information for the sexually active/curious. Follow her on Twitter at @glamazontyomi.