It’s a sad reality for me to face, but each day I am met with emails from women who readily admit that they aren’t satisfied in their sex lives. Many place blame on their lack of sexual experience; others shift the responsibility on a partner who doesn’t understand her needs; and the rest have no idea why they just aren’t receiving the pleasure they fantasize about. It’s frustrating.
However, the process for reaching sexual satisfaction isn’t impossible. What I’ve come to discover is that many women aren’t focusing on their individual sex lives, while relying too heavily on their partners to do the work for them. It’s a tough pill to swallow when you realize you’re the only one responsible for your pleasure. But once you are aware, there are steps you can take to create the level of physical intimacy you desire.
If you’re a woman in search of a way to improve her sex life, follow the basics of what I call the “Pleasure Principles” to get started.
1. Let go
The ability to fully become engaged during physical and emotional intimacy is rooted in a woman’s comfort level and her willingness to simply let go. But letting go isn’t just about feeling safe in a physical space and trusting one’s partner. Letting go also has to happen in your mind and your energy field.
Throughout a woman’s life, she is directly and indirectly told what to think about her body and her sexuality. And when she begins to explore that space, opinions from family, friends and authority figures can be compounded with the experiences from men that take her further from her personal truth. In order for a woman to truly be able to receive pleasure she desires, she must first do away with any ideals or beliefs about sexuality that are not her own.
2. Seek Healing
Letting go of past perceptions and judgments requires that you go back and search your memory for the source of those thoughts. And sometimes doing this kind of self-search reveals repressed memories that can flood back to the memory, bringing pain, depression and even a low energetic state with them. Making the decision to reconcile with the past may take the assistance of others who are skilled in the art of healing. It’s a wise decision to seek out help when having to relive these moments in your mind.
Learning how to pull the lessons out of traumatic experiences can be difficult when being faced with them for the first time in possibly decades, so don’t be afraid to reach out for assistance. Intimacy coaching, sex therapists, trauma counselors and the like are great individuals to consult. Using the techniques of reiki, acupuncture, acupressure, reflexology, massage and meditation can also help in restoring balance to your energetic field.
3. Rewire Your Thinking
Once you let go of thoughts and perceptions placed on you from the outside world, it’s now time to rewire your thinking about your sexuality, your body and how to connect with it. During this time, it’s best to keep a journal where you can get your thoughts out of your head and onto paper. Begin by making a list of thoughts and beliefs that have been given to you about sexuality, and then make a list of how you truly feel based on your own awareness. Many have a narrowed view of sexuality, assuming its expression is only between lovers in a physical act. But your sexuality is more than that. There are experiences that can bring on an erotic feeling—like eating certain foods, traveling to a new destination for the first time or wearing a particular piece of clothing that makes your skin feel amazing. Begin to think of things outside of the bedroom that bring you pleasure and make your body tingle all over. This exercise is the beginning of tapping into your true erotic nature and the desire to please yourself first.
4. Put Yourself First
For many women, the desire to improve their sex lives is motivated by an eagerness to please their partners, but the true catalyst for improvement should be the need to place your own pleasure as supreme. So many women fail to position their pleasure and enjoyment first in sexual relationships, resulting in lackluster experiences and orgasms that are rarely or never reached.
It’s okay to be selfish in focusing on your sexual needs. Without first focusing on what you need and require from your experiences, you’ll be left with a partner who is only guessing at what will help you reach your orgasmic peak. It’s like taking a road trip without a map or a GPS to guide you. Sex can still be enjoyable without experiencing an orgasm, but a woman must first be aware of what truly turns her on to become fully engaged during erotic moments. By demanding you are put first, your partner will then have to improve in areas of his/her sexuality that may not be catering to your necessities. Gain the confidence to put yourself first. You deserve it. When you begin to truly enjoy your experiences, you will become a better lover in succession.
5. Define What Brings You Pleasure
If you were your lover, how would you make love to yourself? This is a question I ask of many women seeking improvement in their sex lives. Before you can direct your partner in how to pleasure you, you must first have a clear understanding of how you receive pleasure. What turns you on? What brings you into awareness of your sexual energy? How do you like to be treated or handled during intimate moments?
These are all questions you should be able to answer in order to give your partner the tools s/he needs to deliver what you desire. Use your journal to document things that get you aroused, your fantasies and things you would like to try in the bedroom. Get used to saying these things out loud so you can eventually communicate them to your partner. Once you’re aware of what you need, begin to talk to your partner about your discoveries. S/he will be glad you did.
6. Become Educated
Knowing how to receive and give pleasure requires you become knowledgeable of the technical skillset needed to create arousal. Every woman has room to improve or learn something new. Taking sex education classes, consulting sex education blogs or reading self-help books on topics of sexuality help you gain confidence and competence in being able to perform in the bedroom. There are hundreds of educators, coaches, and authors to help guide you in the right direction towards developing a skillset all your own. Once you have the basics down, the rest is up to your own experimentation. You can search “sexperts” and sex educators by searching their hashtags on Instagram or Twitter, and find thousands of self-help books online, in print or digital format.
The most important thing to remember through this process is that improvement won’t happen overnight, so take your time and be patient. Your effort and persistence will determine your improvement.
Glamazon Tyomi is a freelance writer, model and sex educator with a deeply rooted passion for spreading the message of sex positivity and encouraging the masses to embrace their sexuality. Her website, www.glamerotica101.com, reaches internationally as a source for advice and information for the sexually active/curious. Follow her on Twitter at @glamazontyomi.