Hey, B Scott!
I need major help with this situation. So, a few years back during my high school years, I attended a summer camp and became close friends with a girl, "Toni." We became close friends, although never really hanging out much outside of the camp due to distance. I am a gay man, and, prior to me coming out, she had told me multiple times that she had feelings for me, but I would simply joke about it to take attention off of it, as I wasn't yet comfortable about my sexuality. Since then I decided to come out to Toni, who didn't take it too well. She felt as though I should've been honest with her about myself from the start. This has put a strain on our friendship, and even though she still communicates with me. it doesn't feel the same. Our interests are changing and we're growing apart as people in general. I also don't feel comfortable being friends with someone who isn't accepting of me fully. Thus, I haven't been answering her phone calls/messages lately. Should I cut her off? If so, how should I go about it? Or should I try to work things out with her?
Dear love muffin,
First of all, It takes a lot of strength and courage to ‘come out’ to loved ones, so I commend you for that.
Nobody, friend or not, can tell you how you should deal with such an integral part of your life. It’s not their truth. It’s yours to handle however you feel is most appropriate. But, you must keep in mind you have no control over how people react. Some will need time to process your revelation.
A friend is someone you should be able to feel comfortable around 100% of the time and be able to talk things through with. I’m not saying you should cut her off, but if “Toni” is drifting away, I think you should give her the space she needs to come to her own understanding of your friendship and her feelings.
I would bet that this has less to do with your sexuality, but rather the rejection she feels from not being able to be with you on an intimate level.
I actually went through a very similar situation when I was in college. A close female friend expressed her interest in me and later on down the line, through my words or actions I let her know that I was gay.
Now looking back on it, she wasn’t upset at the fact that I was gay, but more upset because she was mourning the possibility that she and I would ever be together.
I think you need to give your friend time and let her pull herself together and come to terms with not only losing a potential mate, but also realizing that there’s no way you could ever possibly be interested in her.
I wish I could report that my friend and I are as close as we were before it all happened, but we aren’t. I still feel like she had some lingering hurt for a number of years which essentially ended our relationship as we knew it.
All you can do at this point is walk in your truth and be honest with everyone. I hope that you two can salvage some type of friendship. But if not, keep your head up. It’s not the end of the world.
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