Dear ShanTellem,

I’ve been happily married to my husband for four years. He is VERY traditional, but he knew that I was bisexual before we got married. I have been craving the feel, touch and companionship of a woman lately. He can sense it, so he told me to find me a girlfriend. Problem is, I don’t know if I should. I feel like he may be too good for me sometimes. I would never leave my husband, but I just really want a girlfriend to talk to and spend time with.



Signed,

Yearning for More

Dear Yearning,

I have a question for you. Did you marry your husband with the intention of giving up women other people forever? If so, I think we know what you need to do. Usually, when you commit, you do so with the idea of swearing off all other beings. Granted, things happen, but, err, uh… you get my drift.

Yearning, you are in a very unique situation. Your husband is accepting of your bisexuality and is granting you permission to “play.” Yet you’re hesitant for some reason. To me, that speaks volumes.

Whenever you are hesitant about something, it’s best to figure out why. Is it because you don’t think your husband is as accepting as he is leading on to be? There’s a huge difference in talking about something versus experiencing it. Do you believe that jealousy will arise out of introducing another being into your love life? Do you feel that you might lose control?

You described your husband as “very traditional.” To me, that sounds like he would prefer for this not to happen, but because he knows that you want it, he’s going to say “OK.” It’s almost as if he would like to control it to some degree, but these things can never be controlled by anyone other than yourself.

I encourage you to think about the possible risks associated with having a “girlfriend” while married. People can say all day that feelings will not get involved, but it sounds to me like you want an actual girlfriend. The only way that I can possibly see this working is if you keep it as a sex-only arrangement and impose a time limit. Playing down how wonderful this chick might be to your husband will also help. I’m just saying.

The truth is that your urges may never go away, but I’m pretty sure your husband has other women that he would like to sleep with too. But it sounds to me like your “very traditional” husband prefers marriage the old-fashioned way. Ask yourself: Would I be OK with my man spending time with another chick? If so, great. If not, then “do unto others…”

Good luck and I wish you the best.

Your Turn: Got a question for ShanTellem? Email her at sejamison@ebony.com.

Shantell E. Jamison is an editor for EBONY.com and JETmag.com. Not confined to chasing headlines, this Chicago-based writer, radio personality and cultural critic is also the author of Drive Yourself in the Right Direction: Simple Quotes on How to Achieve Your Best Self.



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