Most women I know are the selfish, jealous type. Scratch that. Most women I know are subscribers to the traditional fairy tale life. Or maybe they're a little of both. Either way, I’ve never fit in those categories. Since my hormones started raging in high school it always puzzled me how men and women could be faithful to just one person when there are so many beautiful people in the world. Why have one type of dessert for the rest of your life, when you could have a variety?! Alas, despite my fantasies, I have stuck to the script and been the good fairytale wife I should be. Sigh.
Growing up, my life was pretty normal, My parents have been married for almost 50 years and the same rings true for most of my aunts, uncles and the neighbors I had as a kid. So no, I didn’t grow up in some dysfunctional home that shaped my views on relationships and caused me to seek out this alternative path. It was actually quite the opposite and for a while, I thought it was what I wanted. I used to be that type, the 'one man woman, I ain’t sharing, he’s all mine' type. For most of my life, I only dated and slept with one man at a time and I was so committed to monogamy that I even settled down, married had kids, the white picket fence and all. My husband is great; he’s a loving husband, father and son. The type of guy that sisters who read those “42% of Black women have never married” articles dream of meeting. But after nearly 15 years of marriage and fighting to keep my true desires a secret, I’m ready for a change.
I’ve always wanted an open marriage, but it’s not exactly something that’s acceptable in society. It’s a taboo subject that’s met with judgment filled side-eyes and "Hell nos," Bible thumping and shame. We’re told that monogamy is the only way and anything else is a crazy sin, an affront to God.
But what if it’s not?
If two people come together and make a mutual decision that an open relationship is what’s best for them, then what’s the issue? Clearly humans are not meant to be monogamous, which is why so many cheat and seek they affections of others, so why not nip all the lying and manipulation in the bud and be upfront from the beginning? Of course, I wasn’t upfront with my husband about my true desires, which is why broaching the subject with him is so scary.
My husband satisfies me sexually, but after all these years…the fire has started to go out. I’ve tried dressing up, changing my look, adding toys, introducing new positions and we even had a threesome once—which is why I’m feeling like he won’t be so offended at the idea of an open marriage. I know many women will shake their heads, but those same women daydream about sex with another man and those same women might be open to a threesome. And I bet many of them would jump at the chance to indulge in their daydreams, if they didn’t think it would ruin things, and in an open relationship…it wouldn’t! I’ve tried living life the “normal” way and it feels confining.
My hope is that my husband will be on board and we can set rules and boundaries that fit both of our comfort levels and our marriage. Of course, if he’s not comfortable with the idea I will respect that and stay faithful in our marriage as I have been all these years, but my fear is once he knows how I really feel things will never be the same and our marriage will end. Losing my husband would be my worst nightmare, but I'm just ready to live my marriage by my own rules and stop hiding in the shadows living in shame because I don’t want to spend my life the way I’ve been told I should. I’m ready to embrace the taboo and I have a feeling that my husband and I are going to have the time of our lives.
~As told to Danielle Pointdujour
