I waited almost 27 years to have sex. While most of my friends were giving it up all over our high school and college campuses, I was keeping a pledge I made to God and my parents to save myself until marriage. It was hard to remain a virgin when everyone around me seemed to be enjoying the pleasures of sex. I often imagined what it would be like when I had sex with my husband on our wedding night. It would be romantic, sensual and passionate; my husband would be a patient teacher and lover making sure I shivered from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. When it was over, I would see the heavens and the stars, and then cuddle up in his arms knowing that this man would make me feel this way forever. But you know what they say about fantasies…they ain’t always reality.
The day I married my husband Rich two years ago is still the happiest day of my life. He is the man that I always dreamed of having by my side and lives each day to me feel loved and cherished. On our wedding night everything started out so perfect, just like in my fantasy and I was overjoyed that I waited for that moment. But things quickly went south and let’s just say that my first time ended up being a comedy of awkward, uncomfortable and forgettable errors. Seeing as how I was no bedroom gymnast myself, I chalked it up to first time jitters—I mean it takes time to learn your partner and find a rhythm, right? I was anxious to get to the mind blowing, leg shaking, bed breaking, screaming for Baby Jesus sex my friends have told me about. So after the first 10 uneventful tries, I decided we may need a bit of assistance. I started trying to talk to Rich about things I wanted to try and asked him about his desires as well, I dressed up in costumes, tried to be more spontaneous, watched adult movies and more. Nothing worked, we were half way through our first year of marriage and I still wasn’t happy with our sex life. It always felt so rushed or lazy, no passion, not enough kissing and I still hadn’t had an orgasm yet.
After reading an article about how many women never climax, I thought the issue might be me. I bought a book and a rabbit-style vibrator and began trying to discover my lady bits in hopes that I will learn how to satisfy myself and then relay that info to my husband. My first orgasm with “Peter” was life giving! Finally, I understood what was so great about sex and I wanted more, but with my hubby. During one of our love making sessions I pulled out my new friend and suggested to Rich that we add a little spice. Spice is exactly what I got when he stopped mid-stroke screaming and cursing about how insulting I was being and then he proceeded to throw Peter out of the window. I didn’t know whether to be sad about my husband’s reaction or the loss of my new friend.
I was determined not to give up on us, so I planned a nice weekend getaway to the Caribbean for our one year anniversary where we could be alone and connect; I thought the romantic setting and some time away from the rat race would spark something between us. Wrong! The sex was worse! In his attempt to bring the heat, Rich ended up trying to put me in awkward positions and was so rough I spent more time screaming for him to stop than for Jesus. After the anniversary fiasc, I thought it might be time to see a couples sex therapist and was thrilled when Rich agreed to go without much of a fight. However after one session he said going back was out of the question and he would not have his manhood insulted again.
So here we are another year later and I’m still not being satisfied sexually by my husband. In some ways I feel cheated, I did everything according to the “rules” yet it’s everyone else that’s able to have a satisfying sex life. In other ways I feel defeated, I know sex isn’t everything in a marriage, but it is a huge part, and marriages have ended over things like this. I don’t want my husband to look elsewhere for gratification and I don’t want to either, but how long can we go on unhappy in the bedroom? What else can I do to get the physical love my body is craving? I love my husband, truly I do, but I’m starting to question if I love him enough to put up with this for a lifetime. Marriage is supposed to be forever, till death do we part, but forever is a long time to live without good sex…
~As told to Danielle Pointdujour
This story was originally posted August 2013