"Writing seems to be a therapeutic source for you, so write about what you've gone through to finalize your healing. It's time," he said during our weekend check-in session.
Tragic news that I received Saturday morning sent me into a tailspin of emotions and my life Coach COSMOS was on the phone to talk me off of a ledge from doing something completely drastic. "So he got another woman pregnant and now the baby has miscarried and they are beefing. Why are you upset about this?" He asked me in a tone that Left the floor open for me to discuss my feelings in this moment.
On one hand I felt extremely silly because I knew this wasn't a fight I belonged in, but my closeness to both parties made me feel obligated. He is someone I had committed myself to for five years and she is someone I admired for years. But Our friendship is just beginning to bud.
I had no idea of their expected child until this very moment, and I was crushed. I was getting choked up in between tears, and experiencing my pain was creating uneasiness in COSMOS who also happens to be a clairvoyant and one of my best friends. He sighed. "I hate to do this because I don't like to see you hurting, but you have to realize the truth about this situation with this guy," he said. "He never had any intentions for you besides getting as much as he possibly could from you. He never loved you. He simply played the role to get what he wanted. He spiritually raped you."
His words hit straight to my heart because I knew they were true, and my mind began to spin. All of the times we shared that seemed sincere. All of the effort I put into building him up and encouraging him to be great. All of it meant nothing in this moment of him being revealed as a manipulator and a spiritual rapist. What I thought was a mutually reciprocated FWB (friends with benefits) relationship turned out to be a spiritually draining situation that left me in a puddle of tears every time he pulled on my heart strings.
"And she's no different than you," COSMOS said. "She fell for his charms and was manipulated just like you. It's because he's light skinned and handsome…the archetype of a pretty boy." He was trying to insert some comedic relief while laying down the truth. How could I be so stupid to allow a man to spiritually violate me? And how is this even a thing? I was smarter than this…much more calculated than this. But like many women I got sucked in. Cooking and cleaning for a man with no intentions of building a future with me.
Taking the time to be a burden handler of his emotional and spiritual issues as a confidant and receiving every insecurity he had. "Women are consistently being raped spiritually but society rarely address it," COSMOS said. "And this isn't the first time you've dealt with this. You went through the same thing with your ex…only he was doing it mentally."
All of this was beginning to sound like a pattern to me, and I knew exactly where my beloved life coach was going. He continued. "Honestly this thing upsets you because you haven't been able to let go of the trauma from the first time you experienced rape physically." He finally touched on it and I fell silent as more tears came to my eyes. I was in a vulnerable state, but I knew that I could trust him. We had been down this road many of times on different topics in my life that have caused me pain. Life coaches are trained to handle traumatic life experiences.
As I released through a good cry, COSMOS gave me instructions for my assignment for the week. "Work on letting go and reclaiming your energy," he said. "You can't move on because these individuals still have pieces of you that you have yet to call back home." I was curious about how to do this work, and he advised me to do whatever feels comfortable to me as a way to release. Of course writing is one method of choice for me. I didn't want to just write this down in a journal and lock it away forever. I wanted to share my experience with the world.
There is always someone else that can be helped in the midst of my cleansing. Sure, my profession is as a "sexpert" writer, but I'm not impervious to making unhealthy decisions. My past has never been reconciled and because of it I've been through suffering that could have been avoided if I would have talked to someone after being raped. To the women of the world who have been holding on to trauma from being violated physically, mentally or spiritually, it's time to come forward in order to heal. I was able to face my physical attacker the very next day and get the apology I was owed from being forced into sex that I clearly stated I didn't want, but the vulnerability created in that moment was never remedied. Having A life coach has helped my life tremendously, and I share my story as a way to encourage other women to seek help from a therapist, a counselor or a coach who can help you sort through the pain.
Suppressing the issue doesn't help. Placing covers on top of trauma by developing new relationships or taking on more work does nothing but deepen the pain. And it always comes back to haunt you in some way. The news of Saturday was a trigger the reopened old wounds for me. I had no idea that my repressed trauma was pulling my energy so low that I attracted not just one but two rapists back- to-back and, as a result, suffered for damn near seven years. It's bad when your family doesn't even recognize the person you've become because your mind has been so wrapped up, and it's even worse when your body begins to take on sickness because your spirit is being robbed of its light. Wake up to yourself and see your situations for what they are and not for what you want them to be. There was a point where I knew I was being manipulated by my ex. There was also an enlightened moment when I became aware that my FWB was playing a role.
I take responsibility for allowing abuse to last longer than it should have, but it never excuses it. My beautiful, powerful, strong sisters that are suffering silently, I'm here to let you know I empathize with you. Take up courage to seek the healing you need with the help of someone who can lead you to discover you again. "Realize that you are a strong and powerful woman," my life coach said. "Look at how far you've come and all that you've accomplished this far even while holding on to this trauma. Now imagine what your life will be like when you let it all go," COSMOS said. This realization was enough for me to say goodbye to baggage that no longer serves me and begin work on reclaiming my energy. For the woman in the same predicament as this, it's time to realize your strength. Take back what is rightfully yours.