First, allow me to say that I speak from a place of love and understanding. I love my sisters and I know that there is one particular action that is hindering a Utopian sisterhood from coming to fruition.
“Side chicks” have been investigated, discussed and explained in many formats. However, I want to discuss just one part. The part that all women who have been in relationships have either felt, explored, or entertained: and that’s the “phone call” to the wife or girlfriend. I am coming to you, as a woman, to implore that all hurt side chicks eradicate this from a possible action. Here is a scenario.
A woman meets a man, he introduces her to sun rays she has never seen. The earth moves, the conversation is rich and the sex is richer. Since she met him her feet have yet to touch the ground. She believes that she loves him. One day she either finds out, or he informs her that she is not his one and only, but his “other woman.” He supplements this bombshell with excuses like her being, “his truth and there was no one like her.”
His life was complicated, but she “made it better.”
So she firmly held tight to a man who seemed stable and responsible. So what he lacked a bit moral fiber? Hey nobody’s perfect right? Until one day, the idealistic sunset walks and lavish vacations, grow further and further from their reality. Texts messages are shorter, visits become less frequent and “he just doesn’t seem the same,” she notices.
“Could he possibly be playing me? Is he now happy with his spouse? Why is he pulling away from me?”
She is still not brave enough to outright ask him if he is seeing someone other than her and his wife, so instead she just waits. Side chicks try not to ask serious questions, but she really wasn’t a side chick, so she could ask …right? She doesn’t ask him though. She simply laments and tries to be more fun, less stressful and more agreeable. Guess what? It doesn’t work.
One day, he gives her the truth that—in the back of her soul—she knew to be a possibility: that he was going to make it work with his spouse. They could no longer be together.
How dare he! she thought. She played her role to the T! She never complained and tried her best to be perfect for him. Still, it did not work. In between the tears, she searched for the number that she had saved in her phone months ago. The number that she swore she would never call. Her thought process as the phone rings is vengeful.
THAT WILL SHOW HIM.
There are times where a side piece actually does fall in love with a man she is seeing. But calling his mate will do nothing for your soul. I firmly believe that women who make this call are not trying to “help” the mate, but are attempting to replicate the pain that they are feeling. The wife or girlfriend is just collateral damage. This information should “help” the recipient, but come on girl. You know that is lie. It may be beneficial for his mate to get the news, but not from you.
A woman who has complete knowledge that she is not the “main chick” plays a role of her choosing and should stick to the terms and conditions of her role. Don’t switch up the plan when the tryst ends. Have some dignity! You were a secret. Stay that way. Show some poise and understand that truths are unearthed everyday. If she does not know about you specifically, she will discover his character in due time. If she does know, she may have made peace with it and your phone call will be a waste of time. Living in petty mode will not feed your soul.
Instead, utilize this experience for growth. Ask yourself how you got to a place where you were comfortable receiving less than what you deserve. If he is giving you money and paying your bills, how about you get yourself together so you can do those things without any help? There are many single side chicks who will argue that they are in control of themselves and knew exactly what was happening in their situationship. But knowledge does not invalidate hurt feelings. You are not in control of anything.
I encourage you to realize that waiting for a man who is only available on his time is not empowering. You have become an accessory to his lies and infidelity. You are not supporting him; you are enabling him.
A man that leads a double life rarely chooses a woman who will sit in the shadows amicably for him. If that man really wanted you, then he would leave his home and be with you for longer than a few days. Actions mirror intentions, not words. You would not have to ask him. Let’s stop dulling our sensibilities for dollars and orgasms. Be someone’s FIRST choice. Be YOUR first choice. Do not make that phone call. There is nothing womanly about it.
Laura Miller is the founder of The SistaGurl Blog which she uses to empower women to be their true selves; Confident, Strong, Honest, and most of all POWERFUL. She is an official media correspondent for The Six Brown Chicks and continues to utilize her empathetic nature as a tool to help and inspire the masses.