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Love Advice: You’re Not Monogamous, You’re Controlling

Love Advice: You’re Not Monogamous, You’re Controlling

Being cheated on is a horrific experience.

The first time it happens, it’s a jarring feeling like taking an uppercut to the jaw when you didn’t even know you were in a fight. And with every revealing piece of information outlining when it happened, where it happened, and how it happened, your heart begins to sink. The more you begin to piece together all the layers of deception that came before and after that moment of abject betrayal, you start to feel your soul drown in a cavernous sea of sorrow.

Someone else experienced the love and affection only meant for you. The touch you cherished, that was promised only to you, was dispersed to someone less worthy, and less invested. The fusing of your body and soul through endless hours of emotional bonding and sexual healing is interrupted and appropriated by someone who has no damn respect for you, or your relationship. And it wasn’t stolen, it was distributed – behind your back – while you lay at home, unwittingly holding up your end of the bargain of monogamy that was being exploited at that very moment.
No one wants to experience that, and, in our own ways, we create safeguards to ensure that we’re not subjected to it.

Some of us withhold the depths of our love to only engage our significant others in a surface-level connection that won’t expose our hearts to the frightening depths of vulnerability.

Some of us go out of our way to not know what our partners are up to in these streets. Some of us subscribe to the pessimistic ideology that “everyone cheats” as a method of preparing ourselves for the “inevitable” disappointment that comes with infidelity. Hell, some of us even cheat first, so if and when we find out we’ve been cheated on, we have our retort already in place.

As problematic as all of those methods are, there is nothing more damaging than the, “I’ll just control every aspect of their lives” method of preventing infidelity. In fact, for those of you who engage in this type of behavior, I have a terribly sobering fact for you: you’re NOT in a monogamous relationship.

A truly monogamous relationship is predicated on will and choice. When a man or woman willingly decides to enter into a faithful relationship with their significant other, they are making the choice to be loyal, respectful and honest to that person. At that point, it is their will and their behavior that coalesce into forming the stability that undergirds their connection. So if the person has the will without the behavior, or if they have neither the will or behavior, then the actualization of monogamy never truly took place.

If you have to set your man’s phone password so he can’t check his texts or e-mails without you screening them for inappropriate behavior first, you aren’t in a monogamous relationship.

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If you have to fly with your woman on all of her business trips and stay with her in the hotel to make sure she’s not screwing around, you aren’t in a monogamous relationship.

If you have to accompany your husband or wife to all of their private meetings with members of the opposite sex, you aren’t in a monogamous relationship.

While they may not have physically cheated on you, regulating their self-control is just a pathetic cover for their lack of commitment towards being faithful. I don’t give a damn if your name is Karen Pence or Jackie Christie, you need to check yourself, your lover and your relationship, because you’re doing this “monogamy” thing all wrong.

Lincoln Anthony Blades blogs daily on his site, He’s author of the book, “You’re Not A Victim, You’re A Volunteer.” He can be reached on Twitter @lincolnablades and on Facebook at Lincoln Anthony Blades.

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