Every week brings a new set of letters from people seeking my advice about how to improve upon their sexual skills to become ultimate lovers. This week, I was approached by a fresh divorcé, a middle-aged man having escaped the clutches of a toxic 14-year marriage. Now fresh on the scene and dating a hot, young woman with vibrant energy, he received a blow to his ego when his “tenderoni” described his sexual performance as “old school.” (I couldn’t help but to laugh at this description.) With a tone that indicated he was just as humored by this situation, he asked, “Can you please explain to me what this means, and tell me how I can fix this situation?”
This was my first time receiving this type of request, but it’s not my first encounter with this type of situation. Two months ago at my gynecologist, a middle-aged woman completely clueless about sexual health and technique (even though she was a mother of two and freshly divorced) approached me. She too wanted to know how to spice things up and how to have safer sex with a new partner she’d been seeing for a year. But she didn’t know how to jump back into the sack with a new sparring partner.
It’s very common for anyone who’s been in a long-term relationship to become stagnant in his/her sexual performance. Having sex with the same person for so many years a few times a week trains one to perform according to the preferences of his/her partner. Once broken up, both partners are let out into the world with a limited sexual knowledge of technique, and faced with the harsh criticism of new partners who have little understanding of why their “sex game” just isn’t on point.
The good news for those moving into new relationships and looking to become sexually active again is that sexual skill can be learned. It’s a common belief that sexual performance powers are instinctive because we’re born with sexual organs that respond to arousal. But the fact of the matter is, we’re not programmed with sexual knowledge from birth. Everything known about sex has to be learned throughout one’s lifetime.
So how can someone who’s become stale in the bedroom refresh his/her technique? One must first believe that s/he can learn how to become a sexual beast, and then go into self-education through reading, watching videos and experimenting with what’s been learned. A plethora of sources educate about sexual performance; my own personal blog is great for learning about different sex positions, oral sex techniques, relationship advice and sexual health tips.
For those looking to take a walk on the wild side and bring out their “inner shades of grey,” KinkAcademy.com is an awesome reference site to learn about how to safely perform using kink play. To access a variety of sex education sources, google “sex education websites” and you’ll find several.
If you prefer reading physical books over reading website blog posts, starting off with a sex bible like Sex for Dummies by Dr. Ruth Westheimer is perfect. It speaks the perfect language for beginners to fully understand the ins and outs of sex. If learning different sex positions is of interest, my YouTube channel has several tutorials demonstrating how to get into some of the commonly known—and not so commonly known—sex positions. (There’s no need to worry about X-rated content within these videos; everything is kept PG-13 and clothed for the more bashful and reserved individual looking for inspiration.)
Once the knowledge is gained, it’s time to experiment. With anything physical, practice makes perfect, so make sure to put into play what you’ve learned. Patience and constant communication is needed with participating partners in order to ensure a smooth, fun learning process. Sex should be enjoyed carefree, so open expression is encouraged.
After responding to my client of the week, I was reminded that no matter how old we age or how educated we believe we are about sex, there’s always something new to learn as we get older and become more experienced in life.