As the old adage goes, “Variety is the spice of life.” For many lovers, trying new things in bed is a fun way to keep things fresh and sexy in their relationships. Venturing outside of one’s comfort zone can absolutely lead to new discoveries and amazing experiences. There are, however, those who prefer to stick with what’s comfortable and reliable, even when it comes to sex. Sometimes people find their grooves and figure, “if it ain’t broke, why fix it?” Hey, if it works, it works. And while I’d like to think the average person is up for a sexual challenge, I’ve learned that plenty are more than satisfied with old faithful standards.
I came across this article by Emily, who asserts that she’s only really into three sexual positions. Yes, I paused and my jaw dropped, because I could not imagine what her sex life must be like. The first word that came to mind was “boring!!” And as I continued to read, I found myself getting upset with her.
I don’t know the first thing about Emily and her personality or private life, but she mentioned things like only wanting to ride a man when she’d just gotten her hair done or feeling relief when she can go back to just “laying there.” Her point of view made me think about a number of stereotypes of women being lazy in bed and men having to beg them not only for the kind of sex they want, but just sex in general.
As a sexually liberated woman, I struggle to not become defensive when men complain about women being cold fish. But I understand that some of their experiences with women like this are why some guys feel that way.
Sex shouldn’t be a chore. It should be an intimate activity that people look forward to engaging and getting the most out of. If you’re approaching sex as something you have to do just to keep your partner satisfied, you’re going about it all wrong. There shouldn’t be any reluctance or need for coercion during any sex act at all.
If you’re not in the mood, make sure you communicate that to your partner. I’ve had some times when I felt so completely overwhelmed by life (parenting a precocious young boy, dealing with stress at work, meeting assignment deadlines for school) that I just couldn’t gather up the energy to do one position, much less more than the three Emily limits herself to. I know my limits, and having to tap out is a normal part of the sexual life cycle.
If you find that you want to do more positions, but keep falling into the same rut… well, there’s an app for that! Yes indeed, there is a Kama Sutra App for your smartphone that provides 3D guidance for new, exotic positions. When I first heard about it, the first thing I thought about was how many I could try by December 31! The app allows you to track your progress and mark which ones you’ve tried and have yet to try. One couple used the app and claims they’ve tried over 400 positions already by having sex every single day and letting the app guide their sexual exploration. It’s been downloaded over five million times, so people are clearly using technology to help them get into and remain in the groove.
One of my favorite sites to visit is Glamerotica101, run by a sex-positive, gorgeous and knowledgeable “sexpert,” Tyomi, who provides a how-to guide for various sex positions featuring herself and her lover. She provides PG-rated images, step-by-step instructions, props you might need to make the most out of the position, and the benefits and drawbacks of each. If having an app on your phone or iPad is too risky (children, work, etc.), bookmark her site and get some tips on positions you may never have heard of, or have been curious about but have yet to try.
Some people are more open and adventurous than others when it comes to sex. It’s important to gauge sexual compatibility so you don’t end up feeling obligated to have reluctant sex. Not many people find laziness in bed attractive, so if you’re not big on having “exciting” sex, you might want to hook up with someone who’s too busy to have sex or doesn’t need to have it as often as others.
If you really feel disinterested in sex, you could be asexual or you could be experiencing other physical or mental health-related sexual dysfunctions, so don’t be afraid to tell your doctor about your lack of desire; something else could be wrong. If you’re in great health and attracted to your lover, but can’t seem to find the energy or will to explore, challenge yourself to try two new positions a month. Don’t expect to like all of them, but hey, you may end up enjoying most of them. You won’t know if you don’t try, so take out your phones and tablets and do some searching for new angles to try.
Oh, and you may want to stretch first.
Feminista Jones is a sex-positive Black feminist, social worker and blogger from New York City. She writes about gender, race, politics, mental health and sexuality at FeministaJones.com. Follow her on Twitter at @FeministaJones.