Last week, I received a letter from a loyal follower of my sex education blog, and I was quite surprised at what he had to ask. As a sex educator, I’m asked all types of questions from people with different levels of awareness about sexuality, but this inquiry was a request I’d never heard: “Tyomi, how can I teach my partner how to have better sex?”
I was in shock, but joyfully overtaken to finally witness a man take action and ask for help teaching his partner how to have better sex. More than often, I’ve had women seeking advice about how to become better lovers for their men and how to spice things up. But when a man takes the lead (especially if he’s the more experienced lover) and commits to being a teacher to enhance the erotic relationship between his partner and himself, it’s always a pleasant surprise to me.
There are many couples in this very predicament—where one partner is more advanced than the other—leaving the “sexual novice” feeling insecure about his/her skills, which further leads to a lackluster sexual performance. Lack of experience isn’t a one-sided issue more common with one sex group than the other. We all are born with sexual equipment, but we aren’t equipped with a sexual “how to” manual on using those sexual parts. Sexual skills can and must be learned in order for all of us to have better sex lives and experiences with our partners.
So my inquirer comes to me with this eagerness to teach his partner, but realizes that his teaching style isn’t getting through, and now he needs help. “How can I become successful at showing my willing, patient wife how to have better sex?” It’s a question that can sometimes drip with the sentiment of defeat when one doesn’t know exactly where to turn to for advice. But luckily, I have all the answers. (Kanye reference indeed.)
Just how does someone who’s more sexually experienced teach his/her partner to perform better during the erotic hour? Well, for starters, we must break down this lesson into the category of sexes. Each sex has to be approached differently, because our sexual language and equipment are similar but diverse.
For the Experienced Lady
So, how do you educate him?
You first begin by ensuring his ego is intact. It can be a blow to a man’s self-esteem if he doesn’t think he’s putting it down in the bedroom how he believes he should. We’re told that being a man is about taking charge and having a “can do” attitude. So if his sexual skills “can’t do” what he needs them to do to see you pleased, he may become insecure within his erotic self.
Reassure your partner that you’re here to support and guide him through pleasing you (and himself along the way). Execute patience, remain positive, and provide positive reinforcement when he applies what he learns well. Make him feel comfortable and relaxed by giving him a massage before beginning your lesson. You’ll be the leader of these lessons, so you must make a commitment to continue educate yourself with new info to remain sexually aware and ready to pass on what you discover.
For the Sexually Proficient Gent
So, how do you educate her?
It’s essential to make a woman feel comfortable and safe enough to trust you with her body during sex. Teaching one to become sexually skilled requires close bodily contact and a level of trust, so you’ll have to create a sacred safe space for your partner to draw inspiration from. Your classroom should be the bedroom transformed into a romantic atmosphere.
A man doesn’t need romance to get his mind and body on the same page for sex, but a woman does. Light candles, create a sexy playlist to serve as your “sex soundtrack,” and always reassure her that you’re in this process of learning with her. Don’t talk at her when it comes to giving instructions; speak to her while showing her how to move and position herself. To further spark your partner’s imagination during sex, buy her sexy gifts like lingerie, flavored lubricants or sex toys that will encourage playful exploration.
The key to teaching a sexual novice is the understanding that developing the erotic body is an important part of relationship development. Your schedule may be tight during the week, but you must make the time to work on your erotic nature with your partner. Set “sex dates” where the time you and your partner spend together is all about working together on your sexual technique. Be patient with each other, and remain in constant communication during the process. Practice (with positive feedback and constructive criticism) makes perfect!