“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit.”—Eartha Kitt
I’ve been thinking about wholeness lately when it comes to relationships. All of us are seeking fulfillment to a degree, and in many instances, it’s from the wrong sources. A lot of us are aware of the concept of wholeness, but we don’t have a full understanding of it. When I talk to people about what it means to feel whole, I often hear, “Finding my other half.”
The desire to find your other half means you’re on the right track in terms of recognizing the need for completion. But there’s a major flaw in the execution, and that’s seeking completion from a source that lies outside of you.
Have you ever met someone who seems to have it all, but is unhappy? Regardless of that great job, the 2.5 kids, the wealth, and the wonderful spouse, they still lack fulfillment. Think of each and every human being as a vessel. When you lack wholeness, you tend to “fill up” from someone or something else that is not of you.
Your soul recognizes the “poison” you’ve injected into your being so to speak, and your lingering sadness (despite not running on empty) is its way of letting you know you’re seeking fulfillment from the wrong sources. No, I’m not calling the person or hobby that you love poison. What I am simply trying to convey is that they shouldn’t be your source of completion. You should arrive whole and complete before you even meet your soulmate.
There are many people out there who don’t feel complete unless they’re with someone else. But this type of “wholeness” is temporary, as they are borrowing from a vessel that may not be complete either. Whenever two incomplete people get together, temporary moments of fulfillment will be present and feelings of wholeness will be there. But ultimately, the two will be exchanging fluids from vessels that are partially full. Think of two cups, one filled with liquid and the other empty. This will result in a transferring of what is already there, adding nothing new to the spirit.
Another instance that happens often is that someone who is whole (meaning they’ve achieved joy, peace, personal fulfillment and purpose from within) can make the mistake of investing in someone who is not whole. When this happens, the whole being will be drained, because s/he is constantly filling up an incomplete vessel.
There’s something innately powerful about someone who has achieved wholeness. They know they’re not perfect, but they’ve invested in themselves enough to know that the most important relationship they’ll ever have will come from within. And they’ve mastered the below qualities to maximize their chances of attracting other whole beings.
1. Whole Beings Invest in Themselves
In order to achieve wholeness, you must recognize the importance of investing in yourself. Think of it like this: you live in a clean neighborhood where everyone takes pride in maintaining his or her lawns. There’s little to no litter present, and everyone places trash in the garbage can. But the neighborhood a few blocks away has a different presentation. The lawns are unkempt and riddled with litter. You may be less inclined to find a trash can to throw that potato chip bag in, because you figure that the people who live in the neighborhood don’t care, so why should you?
That’s how many of us view people. So invest in yourself and you’ll never have to question whether someone else will. This doesn’t mean you go around pretending like you’re perfect; it just means that you’ve committed to creating worth for yourself.
2. Whole Beings Know What They Want From a Mate
Whole beings do not operate in constant states of confusion. They’ve dedicated time, patience and a whole lot of growing pains to figuring out who they are. They have honest conversations with themselves, and confront the not-so-flattering aspects of their makeup in order to thrive. Whole beings are bold. They realize that the only way to achieve authentic love is to strip themselves of any façades that may be standing in their way of progress.
In order to even get a glimpse of what you want and need from a mate, you must go through this revolutionary and evolutionary process. Once you do, you’ll be able to recognize other whole beings, and increase your likelihood of finding the right mate and not waste your time.
3. Whole Beings Are Okay With Being Alone
Someone who has achieved wholeness is okay with being alone. They realize that being solo is not their future, and they do a good job of keeping natural fears that they’ll never find a mate in check. They don’t settle, and are generally more optimistic than those who are incomplete. Whole beings simply know they’re destined to find their life partner at some point in their life, regardless of their current relationship status.
4. Whole Beings Trust the Process
Whole beings realize their purpose is bigger than them. They are not selfish, and they trust the process no matter what it may entail. They’re fiercely committed to sharpening their intuition and possess the strength to let go of things, people and ideas that no longer serve them. They realize that by achieving wholeness, they will never truly be alone.
5. Whole Beings Can Confidently Say, “I’d Want to Date Me”
When you realize the most important relationship you could ever have on this Earth is with yourself, you start to appreciate who you are. You don’t take your qualities for granted, and you aim to possess the virtues you seek in a mate. Like attracts like, and whole beings have this law down to a science. They’re able to say that they’d want to date someone like them because they don’t require anything they are not willing to give.
If you ever want to have a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship, you must be whole before you find your other half. That feeling of emptiness is one that can only be filled by you and you alone. Aim to feel so complete that you cannot even date another unless they are whole. Only then will you truly be able to say, “I’ve found my other half.”
Shantell E. Jamison is an editor for EBONY.com and JETmag.com. Not confined to chasing headlines, this Chicago-based writer, radio personality and cultural critic is also the author of Drive Yourself in the Right Direction: Simple Quotes on How to Achieve Your Best Self.