Shade Brigade

[SHADE BRIGADE]
The Sister Act Reboot You Didn't Want Is Coming

Everything old is new again, thanks to lazy Hollywood; also, Boosie 'clears up' a controversial statement by saying it again and Tom Hanks needs a new son

Shade Brigade

Whoopie Goldberg in Sister Act

Michael Arceneaux, EBONY.com contributor and Master of Shade, calls out five of his biggest gripes from the past week. Rejoice and be read. Follow Michael @youngsinick.

 



1. Come Get Your Sucker Brand Seed, Tom Hands: Tom Hanks’ son Chet Hanks is a spoiled, smug, entitled little brat who grew up with wealth, but because that isn’t enough for him, also wants to be able to hurl out racial epithets in his music that no one wants to buy anyway in peace. In a series of Instagram posts, Forrest Gump III says the word “nigga” can only have a "negative connotation if we so choose." Don’t you just love when white people try to tell Black people about Black mores and customs – particularly colloquialisms forged in response to white racism? Let him tell it, the word "unifies the culture of hip-hop across all races."

He went on to ask, "Who is to say only Black people can use it?”

This wannabe Eminem with a trust fund can fall directly into the nearest Black hole post haste. He doesn’t have to fear the police shooting him dead in the street nor does he ever have to worry about being followed in a store. His white, rich self will never have to contend with the socioeconomic barriers forced upon actual Black people due to white supremacy. He has all of the perks of being white, yet, he wants to say this one word his deluded mind considers a “unifier” of “all races.” I’m thinking of a word that begins with the letter F and rhymes with duck. Put that word right before “Chet Hanks” and boom, you’ve got me as well as a lot of other Black folks’ verdict on this loser’s life.

2. Be Careful About Where You Buy Your Butt Cheeks: Over the weekend, a gorgeous 34-year-old Black woman sadly lost her life getting her sixth butt procedure – specifically, injections. While her mother reportedly accompanied her daughter to the basement office in Queens, NY for the medical work, the “doctor” in question got her medical degree from her imagination. As soon as Kelly Mayhew began to struggle to breathe after being injected with silicone, the phony doctor, aka "the suspect" fled the scene. May she rest in peace and here’s hoping Dr. Bullshit gets exactly what’s coming to her. In the meantime, while I’m all for cosmetic surgery if that’s what you require, research your doctors. Please. Please. Please.

3. Jesus Is Not Stanning For Josh Duggar: It has come to my attention that Mike Huckabee is not the only person out here trying to cape for reality star Josh Duggar, who was recently exposed as having molested some of his sisters as a teenagers. Apparently, there is a gang of nitwits and misfits, out here trolling the folks who are rightfully writing about and speaking on what a jackass and hypocrite Josh Duggar is. I respect everyone’s right to have an opinion, but I’m also a firm believer in letting people know when they look the fool. For all you lest not lest ye be judged ass people, trying to wrap Josh Duggar off in a prayer cloth: go to hell. That man molested his own kin, did not time for it, and proceeded to use the platform he earned from his TV show to judge other people and speak of them as if they were perverts. In sum, “duck” him and “duck” y’all.

4. One Day, You Will Learn What “Misconstrue” Means: A while back, Lil’ Boosie made some controversial comments during an interview on NiteCap With Peter Bailey – namely the assertion that "African-Americans are the worst race." I remember calling him all types of wrong about it last fall, but now in a new interview with Rolling Stone, Boosie says we got it all wrong. Spoiler alert: We did not.

Boosie says: “Right, but they misconstrued that. I wasn't saying that as far as the way we dress, what we eat, or things like that. I was saying that as far as the crime. We're the worst race on Black-on-Black crime. That's what I was saying. I was saying that Black-on-Black crime is the worst out of anywhere in the world. Our race, when it comes to each other, we kill each other like dogs. We're the worst race in the world because we shoot each other down every day. That's a fact, and I don't care who takes it the wrong way, because I'm gonna speak my mind from the fucking jump. So that's how I feel.”

In other words, we had it absolutely right the first time and Boosie chose to speak on the six people on Instagram who didn’t get it. Still wrong.

5. On The Sister Act Remake: We don’t need it. Don’t do it. Have you run out of ideas, Hollywood? If so, use your broadband business connection to scour the following: YouTube, Vimeo, Vine, Snapchat, Twitter, and so on. Do not remake this movie. Stop remaking everything altogether, honestly. Quit being so lazy. I hate you. Sincerely – Way more imaginative people.

P.S. I am down for a reimagining of A Different World, though. Call me.





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