As 2012 winds down, there are a few issues that still need worth addressing – namely what all doesn’t need to be seen or heard from again as we enter the New Year. Study this list, pass it to a friend, and feel free to contribute on what you think is too stale to bring into 2013.
“Ratchet” Abuse: With all due respect to people happy to learn a new word, the rampant abuse of this term makes many of us Southerners long for the days when the ratchet was just a dance you did to a Lil’ Boosie song. I understand that thanks to social media colloquialisms spread faster than ever, but damn, can people ruin a good thing fast.
Lindsay Lohan: I used to think Lindsay Lohan was like a white version of Felicia from Friday, now I just feel whatever she is, it needs to be locked away in a jail cell. If she were Black she would’ve long been in jail trading Hollywood gossip for Newport cigarettes.
Fortune Cookie Wisdom: I am tired of logging into my social media accounts and seeing drivel passed off as wisdom: “The sky is blue, but you don’t have to be.” Or: “You know, as the good book says, ‘Like a moth to a flame burned by the fire. My love is blind, can’t you see my desire?’” Some people try way too hard to sound deep, and unfortunately for them, they’ll never be able to top Carl Winslow’s, “3, 2, 1. 1, 2, 3, what the heck is bothering me?”
Sexist Relationship Advice: As Jamilah Lemieux writes in “Death of the ‘Relationship Expert’,” men who’ve been on three dates and suddenly deem themselves the heir to Steve Harvey’s publishing throne need to stop pimping trite patriarchy as a plot to make money.
Debates Over Blackness: I could’ve sworn a very special episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air solved this riddle years ago, but in case there was any lingering doubt, Black people are not a monolith. However, there is such a thing as Black culture, but you don’t have to donate your melanin to someone in need if you don’t identify with any or even all aspects of it. Also, cut it out with the “post-Blackness” chatter. That’ll never be a thing.
Reports of Black Nerds Rising: So in 2002 there was a Village Voice story entitled “The Rise of the Black Nerd.” Ten years later, CNN published “The Rise of the Black Nerd in Pop Culture.” Martin can repeat all day, everyday, but no more repeat airings of this same story, please.
Lil’ Wayne Features: Is it inappropriate to say he was more interesting when he was high? If so, pretend you didn’t read it. Either way, if he wants to skate more than impress in the studio, by all means, rock on. Just don’t drop anything until you start caring again.
Donald Trump: After President Obama revealed his birth certificate to settle the conspiracy theories, everyone thought that Trump would hush. But this man, like a mighty flying cockroach on a damp Texas sidewalk, refused to crawl back under a rock and continued to get attention. This must end.
Celebrities Live Tweeting Their Relationships: On Rihanna’s new duet with Chris Brown, “Nobody’s Business,” the two borrow from the Michael Jackson lyric book to sing how their relationship is nobody’s business, “but mine and my baby.” And apparently their public Twitter and Instagram accounts. You either want your private relationships private or you don’t. And the same goes for Chad Johnson and Evelyn Lozada, who seem to be moving towards becoming Rihanna and Chris Brown Sr.
Celebrity Fashion Lines: This was cute about a decade ago, but unless you’re like Gwen Stefani or someone with a Walmart connect, it’s time that celebrities and I guess now celebrity adjacent folks find a new way to make additional money off their name.
Chris Brown: I realize I run the risk of a sea of teenagers threatening my life over Chris Brown’s inclusion on this list, but that walking and pop locking Hot Pocket just doesn’t seem worth the trouble. At the very least, Breezy shouldn’t be allowed to join the rest of us in 2013 until he learns to relax, relate, release.
Republicans: Well, a man can dream anyway, can’t he?
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