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[SHADE BRIGADE]That’s Not How It Works, Nate Parker, That’s Not How Any of This Works!

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Michael Arceneaux, EBONY.com contributor and Master of Shade, calls out five of his biggest gripes from the past week. Rejoice and be read.

 

1. Nah, Nate Parker: Though the video has since disappeared from BET.com, I watched actor Nate Parker and writer-director Gina Bythewood-Prince’s interview about the upcoming film, Beyond The Lights, and heard Nate Parker declare that in an effort to “preserve the Black man,” he will, among many things, never play a gay character. Indeed, sounding like a Black Israelite or any like-minded bigot who guises Black pride under the thinly veiled covers of homophobia on 125th street in Harlem on a busy Sunday afternoon, Parker criticized Hollywood for essentially feminizing the Black man on camera. Parker complained about Hollywood offering Black men roles that requires dresses and duct tape – a legitimate critique – though Parker took it one step further when he said Hollywood also offers Black men roles that consist of “men with questionable sexuality.”

Well, who knew gay Black men were all on Hollywood execs’ mouths like liquor? I sure didn’t, but no matter, Nate Parker sounds like a colored caveman too busy holding himself to realize the following: Gay men are men, too. Playing a gay man doesn’t make you any less of a man. To be gay is to not necessarily be effeminate, and even if one is effeminate, there’s nothing wrong with that either. That video may have temporarily been swept under the rug, but the damage is done. He’s not ever getting a dollar of mine again. I’d like to add more here, but those words are blocked here. I’ll just go with “God bless.”

2. Don’t Share Stolen Pictures: Even if massively invasive, I understand people’s curiosity to see someone naked, especially if they’re famous. Yet, when you know good and damn well that the star in question’s pictures have been stolen, do not be the jackass who takes said pictures and proceeds to upload them on your respective social media feed. Not only is that morally wrong, it puts you in potentially dicey legal limbo. Don’t be that person.

3. Madea Made A Baby Out Of Wedlock: When I first got word that Tyler Perry knocked someone up, the first thing I had to do was remove the image of Madea making love to some 28-year-old woman so that said image wouldn’t follow me into my nightmares. After I did that, I got a lil’ riled up. You know, for someone whose made a lot of money off of creative works that often penalize unwed mothers by way of story arcs consisting of misery and disease, it’s interesting that when on off duty, Perry is also just as prone to forget to use the condom as everyone else is. Maybe this will teach unwed mothers aren’t the worst thing in the world, but I imagine that would be too much like right. Mazel Tov, though, Madea.

4. Shut Up, Rick Perry: Very few things embarrass me being a Texan, but whenever the subject of the village idiot known as Governor Rick Perry comes up, I can’t help but tell myself “Think of Beyoncé! Think of Beyoncé! Think of Beyoncé!” in order to avoid total embarrassment over Texas electing one of the worst people imaginable to run the state for what feels like forever. On top of being inept, Rick Perry is cruel. Case in point, him recently speaking in defense of his policy that’s designed to close down clinics that provide abortion services by citing the death of comedy legend Joan Rivers. Perry said, “It was interesting that, when Joan Rivers, and the procedure that she had done where she died, that was a clinic. It’s a curious thought that if they had that type of regulations in place, whether or not that individual would still be alive.”

Oh, you fool and flawed logic employing somebody, you. Do not invoke death to defend your misogynistic and reproductive rights-hating policy. You’re horrible enough as is. Don’t pile on even more reasons to despise you. Your legacy is already in tact on that.

5. Stop Comparing Scandal and House of Cards: Listen up, highfalutin Blacks, you do not have to go out of your way to point out that you believe you have superior taste levels than the next person. This is especially true when you compare things not remotely alike. Yes, Scandal and House of Cards are both based in D.C. and deal with politics, but they’re not that much alike. Honestly, it’s like comparing Myx moscato to some whiskey beloved by bourgeoisie. Or Popeye’s chicken to some organic roasted chicken made by Chef Jesus. I like both shows, but for different reasons as both represent two very different forms of television. If you don’t like one or the other, so be it, but shut your happy selves up trying to one up the next person by comparing.

26 Comments

26 Comments

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