Last week, the Supreme Court ruled that same sex marriage would be legal in every state. Understandably, this ruling disappointed and angered many people; rightfully enraged by the idea of a man and a man being granted the right to argue over fondue sets and toilet paper and wet spot sleeping arrangements the same way millions of men and women do every year. Some of these angry people even threatened to move to Canada, not knowing, of course, that gay marriage has been legal in Canada for 10 years.
That said, it seems like much of this anger is simply due to a few simple misunderstandings and small misinterpretations. And, in a few cases, just being dumb as rocks. Like, literally the dumbest people who ever lived.
Fortunately, I’m here today to clear some of this up.
1. If you are a straight man and you wish to continue to be a straight man…you can actually continue to be a straight man: Although I can see how the Supreme Court ruling that gay marriage is legal could make you assume this means you have to start doing gay shit too, you actually don’t! Seriously! If you don’t want to be gay, you don’t have to be gay! You can keep on being straight!
You don’t have to approach the first attractive gay man you see. And get his phone number. And wait 96 hours before sending the first text. And have that first text be “Yo?” And have two and a half decent conversations before you agree to go on a date. And go see Mad Max: Fury Road together because you heard it was really good and really progressive, even though movies usually make for shitty first dates. And then go to a Thai buffet afterwards. And order from the menu because you’re not really feeling the buffet options. And share your chicken pad Thai with him because 1) the portions are unexpectedly sizable and 2) you really hope he offers to share his Gaprow Lad Kao. And try to be likable during the date, but not so likeable that it seems like you’re pressed. But then wonder if you’re concealing too much. Because you really have an amazing sense of humor, and you want to show him. But you’re nervous, so you don’t. And then walk him to his train stop after the date, and not know whether end with a handshake or a hug, so you just awkwardly rub his back and say “Thanks, man.” And then go home all dejected because this gay stuff is harder than you thought it would be.
Again, you don’t have to do any of this. You can continue not being gay to your heart’s content.
2. The same sex marriage ruling also has absolutely no bearing on your current heterosexual relationship, nor the current heterosexual population: I know, I know, I know. You’re scared that all this gayness going on is totally going to drive a wedge between you and your current (also straight) boo. That you both are going to be so overcome by the “gay urge” — the second cousin (once removed) of the “gay agenda” — that you won’t find each other attractive anymore. But don’t fret. As I mentioned already, The Gay is not contagious. You’re thinking of Ebola. When it’s actually something that, well, is the opposite of contagious. For instance, I think Big Sean is the charter school gym class of rap music. But if you like Big Sean, it’s not going to make me start liking Big Sean. We’ll just be two people with vastly different opinions on Big Sean; one right (me) and one wrong (you). I will respect your opinion in liking Big Sean. And if you want to marry someone who also likes Big Sean, great! That just means there’s one less fan of Big Sean out there in the dating pool.
This ruling will also not result in straight people “turning” gay. If someone is all of a sudden gay after the decision…there’s somewhere between a 100 and a 100 percent chance they were gay before the decision, but just hadn’t decided to be gay publicly yet. The Supreme Court didn’t make Johnny gay. Johnny being attracted to other Johnnys instead of Janes his entire life made him gay.
3. The Supreme Court ruling will not be a slippery slope for, um, other types of marriages: There will not be any American adults legally married to goats. Or to a bottomless mimosa bar. Or to the color forest green. Or an eerily lifelike Sanaa Lathan hologram. Or underage children. Or multiple people. Or multiple goats. All of that is clearly in your head. And clearly you just being irrational. And clearly a sign that you shouldn’t be allowed on the internet for four to six weeks. Basically, it’s exactly like your current “marriage” at 1am every night to Mizz Twerksum vines.
4. You’ve never actually met Jesus: Neither have I, actually. But there is a very popular book of stories about him — one I’ve read several times — and I recall his prevailing message being one of love. I concede it’s possible I was absent that day in Bible study the nuns taught us about the time Jesus gave everyone at the temple a lesson titled “My Dad Hates Gays,” but I doubt it. And I think you should too.