Michael Arceneaux, EBONY.com contributor and Master of Shade, calls out five of his biggest gripes from the past week. Rejoice and be read.
1. Calm Down, Corporate America: Admittedly, more times than not, I’ve been mildly amused by the various corporate-ran social media accounts trying to speak to Black people – well, the ones not deemed post-racial, New Black, or Negro adjacent remix anyway. However, when I log on to Twitter and see Forever 21, Taco Bell, and IHOP all claiming that their products are “on fleek,” I’m realizing that we’ve hit a corner and we’ve got to slow the hell down before this gets out of hand.
We are now at the social media equivalent of those hip-hop and R&B McDonalds commercials that reminded me of the horror flick, Carmen: A Hip Hopera. You know, it’s cute, tossing out a lil’ slang here and there. And I sure do appreciate Black people finding work – something this Congress isn’t exactly interested in assisting with. Still, you don’t have to talk to us solely through whatever colloquialism your Black employees told you about by way of their nieces and nephews, or in some cases, what some white people found on Urban Dictionary, to sell a product.
Y’all are starting to sound very basic – and look how quickly y’all ruined that term.
2. Rape Accusations Don’t Add “Sizzle”: Because this show doesn’t like drawing enough controversy, Skip Bayless recently argued on ESPN’s First Take that Kobe Bryant’s rape allegation added “sizzle” to his otherwise pristine image. People, you don’t always have to defecate on common decency to get attention.
Bayless explained: “Remember Kobe pre-Eagle, Colorado? He failed in his first sneaker deal because he was just too clean cut and I think it was Adidas that had him first, correct me if I’m wrong, but he couldn’t sell sneakers because he didn’t have enough edge. But then post-Eagle, Colorado it brought a little attention to him, like it gave him a little bit of sizzle.”
Smithers, release the hounds.
3. Don’t Play With Me, Jodeci: So Jodeci has released a statement confirming that they will reunite at the upcoming Soul Train Awards to perform a medley of hits as well as a new single. Now, Jodeci is my all-time favorite R&B male group so I’ve waited a very long time for this day. Honestly, I never thought it would come unless the reunion took place at rehab or the crossroads. So while I am excited, let me just say, Jodeci, if you can’t give me the show, the afterparty, and the hotel, take it back to the rehearsal hall, studio, or retirement villa if need be. I need K-Ci and JoJo to be on key as opposed to high off one; I need Mr. Dalvin to still be bae; I require Devante at least look like he still remembers being a creative genius. Don’t let me down, y’all.
4. Stop Badgering Michelle Obama To Run For Office: I don’t know how credible this story about Democrats out in California wanting Michelle Obama to run for office in 2018 when Dianne Feinstein is expected to vacate her seat is, but I do know there have been people pushing her to consider politics after President Obama leaves office for some time now. As great a speaker, thinker, and personality Michelle Obama has shown herself to be, she has repeatedly made clear that she doesn’t like politics. Why push her into that position? She’s played nice for so many years – those of us who remember her frankness in the very early yeas of Barack Obama’s rise can attest to this. She’s almost done with her sentence. Don’t make her go back. Hell, I’d rather she get a talk show called “Let Them Have It with Michelle Obama.” But whatever she goes off to do post-White House, it’s her choice. Quit nagging her. By the way, go call Kamala Harris about that seat.
5. Momma Dee Deserves: In some ways, I admire Momma Dee. She can’t sing worth a good damn and her most celebrated performance features one of her teeth falling out midway. And yet, she presses on with her art with the new video for her single, “I Deserve.” Is it a good video? Hell no, but not many videos are in 2014.
But wait, is Scrappy’s mama handing out fishplates in this video? Did I spot the fake word “Disinherit?” in the visual? Have y’all noticed she is dancing to two different songs in the video? What exactly is “DUH DO DUHHH DUH DUHH DOOO DEEEE?” And doesn’t she kind of look like Sho’Nuff’s twin sister? Or Sho’Nuff in transition? No shade.
Scientologists don’t like it when you take psychiatric medication, but I’m seeing the benefits of doing so all throughout this video. But you know, get your songbird on, Momma Dee. If Ja Rule can be a successful R&B singer, so can you.