Michael Arceneaux, EBONY.com contributor and Master of Shade, calls out five of his biggest gripes from the past week. Rejoice and be read. Follow Michael @youngsinick.
1. Who Is This Woman Pretending To Be Kerry Washington?: I’m so happy Kerry Washington has landed another magazine cover, though I wish I could recognize Kerry Washington when she’s on the magazine cover. In Style has unveiled its latest cover, which features the Scandal star, though she looks noticeably different than the Kerry we’re used to seeing. Her skin is a little lighter (I mean it’s winter, but she lives in LA) and her nose looks a little tweaked (Janet Jackson, not LaToya, but still).
Like, Kerry Washington on the cover of In Style magazine is giving me Sanaa Lathan’s baby with Gabrielle Union fresh off the Paleo diet. No thank you.
2. So About Lil’ Wayne’s Free Album: On one end, I’m quite impressed with Lil’ Wayne managing to defiantly put out new music in the midst of his legal trouble with label boss and “daddy,” Birdman. On the other hand, name the last time Weezy dropped something that you listened to more than five minutes. Exactly. I want to care about The Free Weezy Album, but if it’s anything like Sorry For The Wait 4, my recycle bin is the only one who’s really getting ready to give it any kind of space.
Wayne has been rapping since he was like four, so I can see why he would burn out. But still.
3. Quarantine The GOP Crazies: It is painful to watch presidential prospects like Chris Christie and Rand Paul pander to the idiotic sect of their party and their delusional, unfounded fears of vaccinations. Worse is reading some of these anti-vaccinations parents are – with one telling CNN that he is perfectly fine with sacrificing some other child’s safety since it’s not his responsibility either way. Who raised these savages? Not any characters from Sesame Street, that’s for sure.
When the likes the likes of Megyn Kelly, John Boehner, and Ben Carson all recognize the importance, that should tell you something. As a result of his rising stupidity, measles are on the rise in America. MEASLES. We’re all going to have to walk around with bedazzled Michael Jackson medical masks because these psychos deny science despite viruses proving themselves to be stronger than ever.
4. Missy Elliott Is Everything, You Lesser: Though most people got Katy Perry’s Super Bowl halftime coverage correct, there was one notable reviewer at USA Today who made some questionable remarks about Perry’s guest, Lenny Kravitz and Missy Elliott.
On Zoe’s dad and Lisa Bonet’s ex, Chris Chase wrote: “Though he seems like a perfectly nice, cool rock star, stop trying to make Lenny Kravitz happen.”
He’s already happened, but it gets worse.
On Missy: “Though Missy is a fine rapper, she’s probably unknown to a vast majority of the viewing audience, which is why it was so odd for Perry to hype her like she wanted fans to expect Elvis to enter the building.”
If you’re in the business of offering pop culture commentary, you should probably be in the business of understanding pop culture. Missy Elliott is not some random rapper with two hits from 15 years ago. See, Kelly Ripa losing her mind the following morning about Missy’s performance on Kelly and Michael. Same for Andy Cohen and ditto for many, many others. Don’t believe me? Just check the sales receipts.
Meanwhile, shortly before taking the stage at the Super Bowl, Perry had given TLC money on their Kickstarter initiative to fund a new album, which to a person with more intellectual curiosity than a gnat, might suggest Katy grew up on Missy, too, thus why she would bring her out. They’d probably also check social media for reactions (or the roar of the crowd following Missy’s mini-set). No one should get away with speaking ill of legendary and eternal bae, Lenny Kravitz. I hope Chris Chase’s keyboard commits suicide in protest.
5. About “Drip Drop”: I had no idea people out there actually like that “Drip Drop” song that was featured on Empire this week. That makes me so sad. Now, I loves me a nonsensical song with a catchy beat, but that song has lines like “I do my dance like drip, drop.” What does that even mean? Don’t even bother coming up with an answer because there isn’t one that’s coherent.
Actually, I can see the allure of the song, but Clover Hope captures my real ax with this song, writing at Jezebel, “‘Drip Drop’ is a tragic title, partially because it could happen in real life.”
DO NOT LIKE THIS SONG. IF YOU BUY IT ON ITUNES OR STREAM IT ON SPOTIFY, WE WILL ALL BE FORCED TO LISTEN TO SOME SONG CALLED “WET WET” BY CHRIS BROWN AND TYGA. DO Y’ALL WANT THAT? DO YOU?
