Dear John Boehner:
Oh, orange-colored man with the yellow belly, aren’t you tired? You may hold the title “Speaker of the House,” but for far too long now there’s been a band of government-hating goofs not listening to a single thing you have to say. You’ve bowed to their needs time and time again in your transparent desire to maintain the speakership, but now the government has been brought to its knees via a shutdown and there’s a legit chance that the U.S. government will have to press silent on its cell phone when creditors call.
You know better, so why aren’t you doing better? What happened to the man who once told the Tea Partiers to “get your a*s in line?” If your answer is to keep power, stop right there, fam, because none of us see that for you. You may be speaker in name, but at this point we’re all aware of who’s actually running the show. Seriously, how are you going to let a freshman senator cajole about 30-60 yokels in your caucus into allowing the government to shut down under the unfortunate assumption that this will stop people from getting access to health care?
This is a fight y’all have lost at least three times already. Mind you, this is a bill that is like the first cousin of what Bob Dole and the rest of the GOP promoted in the 1990s. C’mon, man, you are not as crazy as those Tea Partiers. To paraphrase a rapper you don’t know, I know you ain’t just gonna let Ted Cruz come and punk you, ha. Stunt and front you, ha.
I need you to wake up tomorrow morning, look yourself in the mirror and say, “I’m a big strong Speaker of the House and I’m not going to stand for this lunacy anymore!” And say that with your chest. Then you should let the House do an up and down vote over the CR so the furloughed federal workers go back to earning paychecks. After all, not everyone is a well-financed shill of a corporation like the lot of you on Capitol Hill.
Also, do yourself and the rest of the nation a world of good and don’t allow this obstructionism trickle over to the debt ceiling fight. Do you really want to be the person presiding over the “America, the Beautiful Bill Ducker” era? Let the responsible members of Congress teach their juvenile brethren in government how government actually works.
After that, you need to get to work on getting rid of the people poisoning the process.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’d like to quote from the wisdom of former Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott. Do you know what he told Mother Jones about your new bully, Sen. Ted Cruz? Lott said: "That Ted Cruz. They have to teach him something or cut his legs out from under him."
That narcissist can’t be taught anything other than how to pose for a GQ profile, so you might as well skip that option A and get to B ASAP. Lott explained that back in the 1980s, he mounted a campaign against a fellow Republican who challenged him for a leadership post. Per Lott, “Took me two years, but I got him. And he was out of the House.” You need to call Trent and come up with a plan and how to give these lunatics the boot, alligator.
Do those nutty Tea Partiers the way they did your fellow establishment Republicans and primary challenge them. Of course, you could listen to the advice of hacks like former speaker Newt Gingrich, who not coincidentally was responsible for the previous government shutdown in 1995, but there’s a reason Roseanne Barr had a better chance of becoming president last year than he did. Go with Lott’s advice. It’ll serve you much better than continuing on with your reputation as one of the worst congressional leaders in recent memory.
I mean, Nancy Pelosi would’ve never let some outsider come in and cause a ruckus while she was in charge. I do realize that doing the right thing could lead to you losing control of the House. But again, you don’t control anything anyway so that point is moot. If doing the right thing for the country leads to you moving on to a well-paid lobbying and/or TV job, I’m confident that your accountant will still love you.
However, if you keep this cowardly lion meets pacifier to the psychotic act up, an ever increasing majority of Americans will come to hate you. Stop enabling a bunch of delusional, often racist, and all the way useless relatively small sect of your party. Screw them, John. People are hurting.
Now stop telling these lies in USA Today and do as Britney Spears says and work, b*tch.
Michael Arceneaux is the author of the “The Weekly Read,” where tough love is served with just a touch of shade. Tweet him at @youngsinick.