The thirst is indeed real, isn’t it, Mr. Rubio?
Don’t worry, I’m not going to take the overdramatic queen approach like CNN did, with declarations that your career is over. You know, just because you couldn’t get through a 15 minute speech without getting near fatal dry mouth. A speech that was in response to a 75 minute speech in which the speaker never paused for water. That would be ridiculous, wouldn’t it?
Regardless, I’d still like to direct you, your response to the State of the Union, and your transparent quest of building a credible presidential bid for 2016 to some comfortable seats in an empty movie theater. You see, the worst part of your response wasn’t the Poland Spring; rather it was the pile of garbage that spewed from your mouth.
Starting with this assertion that under President Obama that debt has gone up more than it has when President Bush was in office. Now technically, this is true as under Bush the debt rose $4.899 trillion as opposed to Obama’s approximately $5.8 trillion. Yet, you conveniently left out the part that much of Obama’s spending dealt with digging the country out of the hole the original cocaine cowboy (sorry, 2 Chainz, W. beat you) placed us in.
Then there was the part where you tried to serve common folk realness: “Mr. President, I still live in the same working class neighborhood I grew up in. My neighbors aren’t millionaires. They’re retirees who depend on Social Security and Medicare. They’re workers who have to get up early tomorrow morning and go to work to pay the bills. They’re immigrants, who came here because they were stuck in poverty in countries where the government dominated the economy.”
Say there, pimpin’, legend has it that you your West Miami 2,649 square foot home is on the market for $675,000—the same house you purchased for $550,000 back in December 2005. You might not be swimming in a Scrooge McDuck-like pool of gold, but you are nobody’s working class so feel free to stop posturing as such.
And by far your worst offense is that you had the gall to step before the nation after being one of 22 senators— all male, all Republican—to vote against the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act.
This on top of your immigration reform stance, which includes the sort of strict border enforcement measures that has some of your fellow Latinos christening you a “Tio Tomas.”
No matter how conservative you are, though, there is this push to sell you as anything but. You know, because you’re so “cool,” right? Even if you might wonder whether the Earth is flat or whatever that ridiculous quip about evolution you made to GQ, you like Nicki Minaj, 2Pac, N.W.A. and Public Enemy. If you asked your older GOP brethren what they thought about Nicki Minaj, they’d probably tell you to next time ask in the bathroom and tap your foot first from the stall one over.
Maybe this lie will get you to the presidency one day, but definitely not in 2016. You’re not ready, sir. Tuesday night proved it. It didn’t matter whether or not you needed a water break mid-speech. Fact is, you’re Farrah Franklin trying to sell out Beyoncé arenas.
As much as Republicans are salivating at the thought of you being the bilingual Barack Hussein Obama, you’re not that in the least.
In fact, fellow Ken Barb, in terms of hip-hop, if President Obama is Nas, you’re French Montana. Yeah, I’ll turn your music on (Ohmigod, did you hear his song with Nicki Minaj called “Freak?” It’s everything and more.), but I’m not pretending you’re anything of substance.
In the words of Mary J. Blige, don’t rush baby, the Republican presidential nomination ain’t going nowhere…slow down.
If Chris Christie doesn’t eat you alive with honey BBQ sauce in the debates, Hillary Clinton is sure to choke slam your empty little talking points, your lack of vision, and your regressive political stances right into the ground – next to where President Barry left Mitt Romney’s political career.
Michael Arceneaux is the author of the “The Weekly Read,” where on the surface the shade might make the culprit want to curse, but trust, it comes from a place of concern. Tweet him at @youngsinick.