eric holder Attorney General Eric Holder US

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One of the best living Black people in America, Attorney General Eric Holder, is doing what many a Negro dare not do in this economy: quit his job. An original member of the Obama administration, my hitta Holder was a champion of voting rights, gay rights, retooling racially discriminatory drug policies, and had no qualms speaking about this country’s original and lasting sin: racism. Naturally, this made him persona non grata amongst congressional Republicans – who would often insult Holder in the media and try to have him removed from his job over issues like the “Fast and Furious” program, plus leak investigations and the like. While it remains to be seen what Holder will do in his post-Obama administration life, I have some dream job scenarios. Play along with me, why don’t you.

Make one note, though: Holder says he will stay on until Congress confirms his replacement. Considering how this lazy, vengeful House of Representatives work, that Black man is never leaving his post. Alas, let us pretend anyway.

 

1. TV Host: So this can go a lot of different ways. What the streets need right now is a Black man in media who doesn’t say things like “pull up your pants, save the race” or invite the military occupation of American cities. There are enough Black men in media playing varsity cheerleader for White people, so why not invite someone who can tell systematic racism about itself. If you’re itching for something a little more lighthearted, maybe Oprah can give him a show on OWN called, “Holder, Help Me With My Racism.” He already looks like Oprah’s bae, Stedman, so she should already be warm to him. I would so watch either show – even on a Monday night when VH1 is doing it for the ratchets (self-included).



2. NFL Commissioner: So I haven’t really rocked with football like that since the days of Warren Moon and the Houston Oilers, but I watch enough games and pay enough attention to the media cycle to know that the NFL as a staff, as a record label, and as a (redacted) crew requires a remix. Gone are the days when the NFL could get by on hiring a bunch of ex-players to run the show. They need someone who knows how to speak to the press, and more importantly, act like the billion dollar business that it is. Plus, I bet if Eric Holder ran the NFL as opposed to the Justice Department, the clap back against his detractors would be a lot more blunt than his time working for the White House, where political correctness is all the rage.

3. Politician:  I have the sneaky suspicion that Teyana Taylor has a greater chance of beating Taylor Swift in a swimsuit competition at a Ku Klux Klan convention than Eric Holder does of winning statewide office, but he would get my vote. Well, I’m not registered in the state of New York, but I would most definitely tell everyone at the barbershop and my favorite fish spot in NYC (A Taste of Seafood) to support my man at the polls. Can you imagine? Governor Eric Holder, an elected Democratic official that actually acts like a Democrat (yes, this is shade to tax cuts for the rich, Andrew Cuomo). I can barely contain my Blackness at the thought of this scenario. Again, this seems highly unlikely (at least for the next few years), but hold on, Holder, you never know.   

4. New King of Black People: You know those folks from the Civil Rights era who act like there was a Negro convention that elected them to speak for us at all times to the mainstream media whenever racism trolled us Blacks? Well, with all due respect, we could use a new spokesperson. He could continue speaking about the racially biased criminal justice system and speak more forthright on incidents like Michael Brown’s shooting death in Ferguson. He didn’t go to seminary, but he did go to law school so why not? No shade.

5. Attorney General: I’d rather Eric Holder decide at the very last minute to stay in his post and piss off my more Republicans. Like, show up to the podium fresh off of smoking a Newport and say very calmly, “After much thought, consultation, and prayer with Black Jesus, I’ve decided that it is in the best interest of the country that remain Attorney General for the remainder of Obama’s term. More importantly, I’d rather continue making sure I let all these congressional Republicans know that they’re my sons.” Then he strolls off as Michele Obama walks beside him blasting Isaac Hayes in a Beats pill. You see it.

Michael Arceneaux hails from Houston, lives in Harlem, and praises Beyoncé’s name wherever he goes. Follow him @youngsinick.



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