I originally wanted to write this Wednesday morning, but since the dust from Tuesday night’s electoral massacre hadn’t yet cleared — and, since I wasn’t done wobbling yet — I wasn’t able to make proper assessments. But, as we inch towards the weekend, the true election day winners and losers have become more and more apparent.

Losers: Comedians

Because he doesn’t have an easily mockable accent, a wondering eye, or any obviously roastable personality quirks or physical features, as SNL’s repeatedly flat routines featuring him regularly prove, President Obama’s term has not exactly been a goldmine for stand-up comics. And, since it’s been four years since he was first elected, the one angle comics were able to easily poach — the whole first Black president thing — is stale now.

When you consider this as well as the fact that the potential comedic gold of the Romney/Ryan ticket is now off the table, comedians portraying the presidency have to be extra creative, which leads us to…

Winners: Key and Peele

With their on-going “angry Obama translator” routine, the Comedy Central duo have, like Will Ferrell’s George W. Bush and Darrell Hammond’s Bill Clinton, managed to make themselves the go-to guys for any Obama-related parodies.

Winner: Karl Rove’s psychiatrist

Don’t know exactly where Karl Rove is right now, but considering where we last saw him, my best guess would be that he’s still at the Fox News desk, unkempt, unshowered, unshaven, and unmoved since Tuesday, waiting for the Ohio results to come in while the rest of the news team takes turns spraying Glade on his neck

Losers: Canada, England, Australia, The Moon, Mars, Their Momma’s Basements, 1953, etc

Basically, anywhere the thousands of people angered enough by Obama’s reelection to threaten to move have threatened to move to. If these threats are carried out, I apologize in advance to the citizens of those nations of the drop in mean IQ they’ll soon experience.

Winner: Uteruses

As my homegirl’s “My uterus is doing the electric slide right now” Facebook status message on Thursday proves, millions of women across the country are elated to retain control of their reproductive rights, and my friend has a talented-ass (and weird-ass) uterus.

(BTW, since spell check is telling me that uteruses is not a word, what exactly is the plural of uterus? Uteri? Utere? Uteruseiss? Someone please help me.)

Losers: The Doctors and Nurses working in hospitals August 6th, 2013

Lemme put it this way: If the pictures I’ve seen and reports I’ve heard from the hundreds of election parties that took place Tuesday are any indication, there was a lot of um, “consummating” going on Tuesday night, and the results of said consummations are going to make for some busy hospitals nine months from now.

Winner: Millicent Owuor

Because, well, how can you decide to name your newborn twins Barack Obama and Mitt Romney and NOT be a winner?

Loser: Me

Because of the time I spent Tuesday night and all day Wednesday gloating, reading hysterical comments from Facebook “friends” and right-leaning websites and blogs, and still wobbling, I wasn’t able to get much work done that day. Sorry, EBONY.