Michael Arceneaux, EBONY.com contributor and Master of Shade, calls out five of his biggest gripes from the past week. Rejoice and be read.
1. You’se A Lie, Lindsay Lohan: Lindsey Lohan wouldn’t know the truth if it came in the form of powder, was spread across the table, divided by a razor blade and inhaled through her nostrils. In a recent interview, the actress claimed that while doing her court-ordered community service, she had to roll up Whitney Houston’s body bag at the L.A. County Morgue. However, an official from the Coroner’s Office confirmed to online truth serum TMZ that no one from any court-ordered probation program came in contact with the body. This girl is known for a good lie – just ask some of the Black men she’s tried to blame her previous crimes on.
I will always reserve a certain level of hope for Lindsey because of Mean Girls, but as far as her lying about having Bobbi Kristina’s mama: Girl, gon’ somewhere. Better yet, may Nippy curse you smooth out in at least four of your next dreams.
2. And That Makes Baby Mama Number Three: The DNA test results are out and there’s a 99.998% chance that the Mathew Knowles is indeed the co-owner of a baby delivered by 30-year-old lingerie model turned real estate agent TaQoya Branscomb. Likewise, there’s at least at 80% chance that Mathew is probably cursing out Buzzfeed to this day for first reporting this story. Where did we go wrong, Mathew? Why aren’t you dating Anita Baker or like LeeLee from SWV?
In any event, riddle me this, readers: Which of Mathew Knowles’ baby mamas are going to make it to a Mona Scott Young production first?
3. Kids Aren’t Like Dogs, Don Lemon: In Don Lemon’s world, belted dad jeans stops police brutality, combating litter on the street can curb racism, and stopping the use of “nigga” will make white people suddenly respect Black people – including President Obama, who has yet to use the word in a State of the Union address, and yet…but I digress.
With that in mind, no one should be surprised that now the CNN anchor with the penchant for antagonizing my last nerve thinks child rearing has a lot to do with training and instilling fear – you know, like the way you treat a domesticated pet.
During a recent telecast, Lemon (in need of much aid) said, “Listen, I went to training — I hate to do this — with my dog and fear is the same thing. You have to teach who’s in control… It doesn’t matter whether it’s fear or what have you, I’m saying this, because it stops you from doing it.”
He’s saying this despite the fact that he is childless. What a pity he isn’t saying this to a therapist, who could probably clue him into the multiple pitfalls in this line of thinking. Speaking of pets, I’d rather talk to Cujo about how to make shrimp Creole than ever entertain Don Lemon’s thoughts about parenting. But hey, God bless.
— elisabeth hasselbeck (@ehasselbeck) September 16, 2014
4. Hush It, Hasselbeck: Eliasbeth Hasselbeck is not the brightest bulb in the bathroom. It’s evident in a recent interview Rosie O’Donnell did with Variety, in which she confirmed that during the first stint on The View, she would meet with then executive producer Bill Geddie and “go over Republican talking points that are sent out every day, and then come out and recite what she had ingested.”
Needless to say, it’s not surprising that Hasselbeck, now a FOX News personality, would jump on the “It’s all about Beghanzi” narrative set over there. Still, it takes a very special brand of despicable to try and score cheap political points over a serious matter like domestic violence. Pray for the critical thinking impaired.
5. Whatever, Saint Yeezus: In response to the reports of him yelling at a wheelchair bound concertgoer who couldn’t stand up per request, Kanye had a rant (shocker) in which he threw out a media conspiracy (so surprising) and then noted, “I’m not judging, I’m just going to tell you who I am. I’m a married, Christian man.”
Maybe ‘Ye is right to say it was “bullshit blown out of proportion,” but he certainly did correct himself the following performance with the following revision: “Everybody who is not in a wheelchair or handicapped will stand up. If you cannot prove to me that you are in a wheelchair, you need to be standing, if you can it is OK to sit down.”
Isn’t Kris Jenner saved? Maybe she can take him to Bible study ‘cause that revised request doesn’t sound very WWJD?